Tag Archives: Till I Make It

PSA: I’m Not Dead Yet

Close, but not quite. Actually no, I’ve been fairly decentish of late.

Soooo lemme seeeeee what’s newwwww

Josh’s not-quite-gf is no longer a thing, conflicting personality types combined with one epic fuck-up left that decidedly done, too bad she was fun to chill with.

I’ve gone and done more mod-y shit to myself.

I now have blue hair, a septum, and a pocket watch tattoo.

Septum and hairs.

New tattoo! Cx thanks @seanhollandtat2 @ubtattoo can't wait to see it fulleh healed #tattoo #pocketwatch #momentomori

A post shared by Sissy (@broken.wings.fragile.things) on

awesome tattoo ‚̧

My tongue is still being split, and taking it’s damn sweet time about it. -.-

And I’m taking a break from youtubsie shit. I’m not deleting my channel, and I’ll post every once in a while. But it’s not super fun at the moment and it was stressing me out coming up with shit to post, when the whole point was it was supposed to be a hobby to de-stress. So I’ll get back to it eventually but not right now.

In the mean time I do want to post here more often. I don’t like how much I’ve been neglecting mah blog and my wordpressy friends so hopefully I’ll get back to posting a couple times a week again.

Also, I’ve been dicking around on tinder and okcupid, and I highly recommend it. Not for actually dating or anything, but for having a host of strange, terrifying, and interesting conversations. It’s a damned strange place the internet dating scene. Lots of fun for wasting time and having random conversations XD Anyway that’s all for right now,

I have to clean up some housey shit before I go out to swim with a mum friend (that I met on tinder XD, see? no romance but lots of funs)

In the meantime have a this:

They did stop believing in you, but only because you harvested their organs you sick fuck. #beashamed

A post shared by J. McLaughlin (@inkanddaydreams) on

Hopefully I’ll be posting again before the end of the week! ūüėÄ

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Well…. This is interesting I suppose…

I don’t think I linked that one in.

So yea, you’re used to me disappearing by now, but this week has been by far the most interesting. If you recall a few posts ago I mentioned I had some personal shit, I now feel up to sharing.

Josh has an almost-girlfriend. No it’s not a cheaty-douche-bag thing. It’s more of a cross between open-marriage and polyamory. Which I’m not supposed to actually say out loud because she’s just as weirded out by this situation as we are.

She’s actually pretty awesome. Whenever Josh and I had discussed poly shit and unicorn huntings before we always sort-of laughed and brushed it off because who the hell around here would be weird enough to fit with us???? Yea, that’d be her I guess. We get along pretty well which is good, and she seems to be making Josh happier which is kind of the whole reason I wanted to try this in the first place.

Plus, I’ve now had physical confirmation of the fact that I’m not bicurious, but actually legitimately bi *coughs* That’s me trying to politely say we hads the threesomes and I enjoyed….. ‘s funny though because I’m probably the “gayest” out of the three of us…

Chick has more self-image/esteem issues than I do. Which I think is funny ’cause her boobs are nicer.

Anyway, you probably don’t want to know much more about my sex-life (or do you? because I can go there if you’d like XD)

So other shit that happened:

I got my labret pierced. It looks like this

My belly button pierced. It looks like this

(yes, I got a “lower-navel” piercing, I think it looks a wee bit cooler.)

And this tattoo

I'm now a badass tattood babe XD #firsttattoo #first #tattoo #projectsemicolon

A post shared by Sissy (@broken.wings.fragile.things) on

Which as far as first tattoos go, is pretty basic, but at least it gave me a feel for what to expect when I get my ribs done soon, except like it’ll be a million times worse. That actually didn’t hurt until he went back over and put more black in one spot. Jesus fuck though, Now I have a small tattoo with a deep personal meaning >.< Shit, I’m one of those people. download (1)

But I do think project semicolon is pretty cool. Depression/mental-health awareness are really important to me so I love it even if it isn’t super original.

Also, my tongue is almost split and you need to read two boys kissing.

And as soon as I finish my deep conditioner I’m turning my head blue.

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So yup. Life.

THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING GODDAMN IT I HATE TITLE BLOCKETS

*ahem* so that was filmed today.

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This is my lovely new dress, but of course me being a midget it sits just under the knee in what I feel is a much more adorable fashion. I was upset because they didn’t have a small and the medium was just a scosh too big, but when I read the label and saw the cotton, don’t drier machine it warning I was happy and dried it and shrunkeded to just the absolute perfect size Cx

Also I’m still not feeling up to talking about my personal situation of weirdness yet, but I am happy and feeling a bit more comfortable with it now that it seems like things are settling down a little.

Also, this is going to seem very stupid and trivial but Josh said something last night that meant a lot to me. He basically told me he was going to stop “telling” me what to wear. I use the word telling incredibly loosely, I just couldn’t think of a better word. See, because we grew up in the conservative christian way that we did, He was kindof uncomfortable with some of the more unusual shit I like to wear, and since I cared about his feelings and appreciated the fact that he didn’t actually try to tell me what to wear or not to wear, I’d usually just change into shit that was more normal, because compromising and being considerate and all of that.

So yesterday, he was like yea, um sorry I always try to tell you what not to wear and shit, I want you to dress the way you want because you seem the most comfortable and confident when you do, and that’s most important to me. And that made me happy. But he shall soon be regretting it because my love of fishnets and all things mis-matched and neon shall soon come out to play *insert villainous smile and creepy palm-rubbing here*

Also, I’m frustrated because he’s been sent to fucking Roanoke to work on a derailment (read that as, I won’t be seeing him for at least a week, probably longer) I’m hoping he’ll be back in time for my birthday (he requested the day off because it’s a friday.) But after the last “only a few days” trip I’m not exactly counting on it >.< If that’s a case I’ll just harass someone to watch my kid while I get my nails done and buy frivolous things that I don’t need, but I’d much rather spend the day with him. *sighs* Time shall tells. In the mean time I’m going to booker my lil heart out and internet till my eyes bleed.

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Also this picture really made me smile because I fucking hate seeing shit like that online that’s thinly veiled pro-ana teaching young girls who don’t know any better how to starve themselves and ruin their lives. It’s disgusting and as someone who struggles with this shit, it fucking hurts.

*cue full-fledged feminist rant, if you’re not into that stop reading.*

When I see pictures like that, the first thing that pops into my head is, wow they’re pretty. Which is fucked up because they’re almost always underweight girls sucking their barely existent stomachs in. (not badmouthing girls that are naturally thin, just stop insisting everyone look like that.)

Second off once you actually read the bullshit they’re saying, it’s flat out crazy. Last time I checked, everyone had hipbones. It’s basic anatomy. Unless you have some genetic condition and were born with half a torso, you have hipbones. Also, curvy girls have nice hips too! Seriously, they’re still there, just as visible, they just have more of a curve to them which I personally like better anyway.

Not everyone is physically capable of having a thigh-gap. It’s a genetic thing, not a weight thing. It depends entirely on the angle of your pelvis, and how wide your hips are. I happen to have one, does it grant me wishes or make me extra special? no. It’s mildly convenient in the heat because my legs don’t rub together as much. Also, to sort of further illustrate that it’s not a weight thing, I still had it when I was pregnant and 40 pounds heavier. IT DOESNT MATTER HOW MUCH YOU WEIGH. (plus in that photo you can tell she doesn’t actually have one, it’s all in the posing and they’re very easy to fake.)

Again, EVERYONE HAS COLLARBONES. Seriously wtf?!?!?!? Again, the way the picture is obviously posed, they’re jutting out five times more than they naturally sit. If you’re a healthy weight, I promise you have beautiful collarbones. (if you’re a bit overweight, I promise you have gorgeous boobies and hips that make up for slightly less prominent collar bones ^.^<3)

And the last picture of the flat stomach that again, is obviously being sucked in? WOMEN WEREN’T BUILT TO HAVE FLAT TUMMIES!!!!!!!!!!!!! All women are designed so that natural healthy body fat is more likely to sit around your stomach. It’s a fertility thing, a hormonal thing, the only way that’s going to not be there is if you are extremely naturally thin, or are starving yourself. Plus, Josh has mentioned on numerous occasions that he loves my tummy curves. (and he doesn’t generally like heavier women either. it’s about curves people.)

Seriously. Rock the body you’re built with because honestly most guys would rather have someone with curves than someone with a weight complex. And I guarantee that whatever body type you have, there’s a big selection of people of your preferred gender that are especially, specifically, into that.

God that shit pisses me off so much >.< Sorry I ranted. I’ll go now.

That was a fun tag to do. It took forever though o.o The unedited shit was over 20 minutes long…

Today.. I don’t really know what to write about today. I went to my mother in laws yesterday because she’s been kindof desperate for visits lately >.< but while I was in the area I got to stop by my library! I finally paid my fine and got a decent sized haul that I’ll hopefully be turning into a video later today or tomorrow. I hope I actually end up liking them

*sighs* I have life shit going on but I’m not quite ready to write it all out yet because I want to see how some shit plays out first. Plus the whole situation is a bit confusing and weird.

I miss Josh, he hasn’t had to travel anywhere but he’s been working so much it feels like I haven’t gotten to see him in forever

My tongue split is coming along pretty well. This shit takes forever but I’m making noticeable progress so that’s good.

Aside from that the Smidge is coming quite close to being threatened with the microwave again >.< It’s like she can sense that I’m burnt out and don’t have the energy to deal with her, so she’s taking advantage of it by getting into every single thing she possibly can.

I don’t really have anything else going on so I’m gunna hopefully post again tomorrow or maybe Friday.

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No excuses this time

I’ve been sick as fuck and trying not to puke my guts up while my tummy tries to murder me but whatever.

Not much has happened because of the aforementioned reasons.

Ummm things… with words….

My tongue split seems to be making really good progress (being partially okay completely insane and tying it so tight it’s practically embedded is great for making progress!) I guestimate that I’m about half-way done, but the second half will definitely take longer since I’m going a lot slower now, tired of bleeding every time I want to eat….

I keep missing days on my instagrammy challenge because of my patheticness too -.- stupid sick.

But since I was catching up on all the posts I’ve missed this week I found a great tag¬†on Samm’s¬†blog. It’s supposed to be for Goth’ses but I’m claiming it in the name of all the uncategorized alt girls. Because honestly most of the questions I feel are applicable anyway.

Smidge is getting better at footwalkings! She’s going¬†to master the art of the turning without falling down soon. It’s cute but also terrifying because it spells my doom in bold italicized and capitalized letters. She get’s into all the things.

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I’m sad because Josh has been working even crazier then usual hours. He was finally going to be home when he’s supposed to, walked in the door dropped off the stuff he brought home (he gotted me the bestest chocolate and coconut waters Cx) and was like guess what! I’ve got to go back to work. :/ I feel bad for him, I don’t remember the last time he had a full day off.

My book came in the mail! I can’t wait to start reading it, hopefully it’ll be as good as the first one, will updates you all when finished. Ugh.

Tired now.

Must laundry.

Then nap.

Much Nap.

Did I mention toddler?

need sleeps

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Do………………………………..dum…………………………………..de…………………………………….WUBWUBWUB (my totally pro dubstep imitation)

That was my tuesday video… Kindof surprised because usually I don’t break ten views unless I post it here but that’s kindof cool *shrugs* still no clue what I’m doing with that.

Dum dum dum

I just got back from the Dr’s. Was actually a really quick easy appointment, I told her my meds weren’t working anymore and she’s like well we can add in this or up your dosage. And since I’m not having any awful side effects I decided to just up my dosage, if it ends up happening again then I’ll try the other med too but less pillsage is better in my book.

Also since I explained that the reason I’ve avoided coming back for so long is because I hate making phone calls, she gave me her cell and told me next time I want to make an appointment just text her and let her know what’s up and she’ll get me set up without calls.

Plus she also asked if I was cool with councely therapisty visits and I said, yea but same deal on the calling, whole reason I’m not already seeing a shrink. So she got a nurse to call different shrinky peeps and find someone who takes my insurance and set up an appointment.

So tomorrow at 1 I’ll be having my first therapisty visit session whatever. I’m nervous, but I know I’ll be okay and the whole fear of everything is part of the reason I need to go right? I’m sorry I haven’t been posting lately, I promise I’ve been reading everything and trying to reply to comments, it’s just really hard because on top of the bad depursions and the screaming child I’ve been having the excruciating menstrual issues and have kindof just wanted to lay on the couch and bawl and groan and shove gelato into my face-hole. Which smidge doesn’t approve of -.- damn kid steals my icecreams. and my popsicles. and my coffee. and my soda. She’s gunna be a pudge-monkey of a chibble.

Anywhore that’s what’s been up and I’ll be off now!

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Doom Doom Doomy Doom

I got that thing uploaded on time. I officially have 0 back logs now but it’s okay because as I mentioned, I figured out my ootd, I found a fun tag and I’m officially going to try to remember to ask Josh about the boyfriend tag this weekend.

I ended up going to walmart yesterday, I didn’t notice (or think I noticed) as many people staring at me, but that might have been because I was stressed and hurrying.

Ugh.

I’m just mad because I had like a week where I was really great and thought shit was starting to get better again and now I’m back to freaking out.

Now I’m going to ramble about something weird:

I seriously wonder if I have OCD, not major but like borderline, I dunno I always double check doors, stoves, faucets and such, and I get a bit weird when I clean, but I also don’t clean often so I’m pretty sure its just in my head.

Which leads me to wonder: What if I’m just a hypochondriac. I’m always convinced I have every sort of mental/physical illness out there which is highly illogical but isn’t it ironic to be paranoid about believing I’m a hypochondriac when I’m not???

I should probably see a shrink. But I’m too scared to go outside. Irony.

*sighs* I think I’m a basket case regardless.

I also am starting to become concerned over whether or not I’m¬†basic mainly because of how much I love target. It’s magical. But then I also really don’t care because it is magical and I do need that candle, and that lamp, and those curtains, and that makeup. Yes. Yes I do. Plus they sell fucking slushies in the store, how can anybody hate on that?!?!? Yup, I officially don’t care. I love target.

I also need my roots done bad. They’re rapidly approaching cringeworthy.

ALSO: I need opinions, Josh and I are engaging in a battle over the attractiveness of Ruby Rose, or Stella from OITNB (oh god I really am basic….)

in case you still doesn’t know:

This Chick
         This Chick

He is of the um ew opinion, and I (along with the rest of, oh…um… THE UNIVERSE) am of the mindset “yes, please”

I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY HE DOESN’T GET THIS.

Pretty face, adorable hair, nice body, but butchy enough to make one feel safe and comfortable ^.^

Watching his reaction to all of the “Ruby Rose is turning me into a lesbian!!!!” tweets was really funny. Just his reaction XD

*yawns* So I can’t really think of anything else, just that it’s almost father’s day and I hope Josh likes his gifties. And that my dad has an okay day too.

I’m going to laze now BAI

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*featured image is set as such because I wanted to feature an adorable ecchi girl but didn’t want to terrify anyone too badly*

Wasabi peas are delicious

*Deep Sighs followed by a dramatic couch flop*

I am back from finishing the shopping of Father’s day for the Josh *sighs*

I’m completely and utterly drained but I think I did okay, even though I spilled slushy in my shoe >.<

I think part of the social anxieties is that I get worn out from stuff like that a lot faster. Even though I only made three stops I’m all stressed out and exhausted. And there’s still a mountain of housework to be done that I highly doubt I will actually accomplish in theeeee 15-20 minutes before Josh is *supposed* to be home. Although, if he comes back at a normal time I will actually probably have most of it finished.

I feel bad for him, he had a migraine and was throwing up all yesterday. :/ And I was depressed and couldn’t help and felt like an ass ’cause I made him worry about me. Just yea, yesterday was bad.

In other weekend news, Josh’s mum finally saw his tattoo. Apparently she sobbed the whole trip home from my brother-in-laws but says that she forgives him and his praying for him. *sighs* I don’t hate her, but she’s nuts. Like complete stereotypical religious nutcase. Usually I don’t care because she keeps her opinions of me to herself now, but I feel bad for Josh because he’s going to get endless grief every time we see them for the next eternity. Which will be more obvious and irritating because I’ll probably get my tattoo before the end of the year and they’ll say nothingggggg.

My parents will say I’m just doing it to spite them and it’s a phase I’ll grow out of soon.

Because my entire life revolves around disappointing and pissing them off.

ANYWAYSSSSS

I made myself an instagram account. Although, I have no idea how to use it and have only added one photo. Mostly it’s just so I can stalk my sister without bugging Josh and stealing his phone to use his app to find her account. But I followed or added or whatever my friend Lissa who’s probably in shock¬†because¬†I finally did something normal.

But Yea, hopefully Josh will like what I got him, and I have a little left over so I think we’ll be able to order take out for dinner, or actually go out. Or just deliver baklava. Mostly I hope he opts for baklava, because that’s always the best option.

I also have my dad’s fathers day present mostly done. I got him a tiny bismuth crystal, which is basically just a pretty colored, cool shaped rock. and a tiny container of Gallium which is a metal that’s supposed to melt in your hand. (He’s a major geek so he should think they’re even cooler than I did.) But I’m debating getting him a tie. Because that’s the only thing he actually said he wanted and I know that nobody in my family ever listens to fucking lists. They go on and on until you write out a nice, organized list of what you want, that you even bothered to categorize¬†according to price and how much you wanted it, and then completely ignore it to buy you a bunch of shit you didn’t want because “they wanted it to be a surpriseeeeeee” (*ahem* Experienced in this department, I am.) So I might buy a tie maybe. *giggles* get him one of the ultra skinny pencil ties XD in orange. God. My brain. I’m sorry you don’t know my father so you don’t understand why this is so funny. *giggles and snorts* Picture a tiny D&D obsessed nerd that got old and tries to look like an intimidating grumpy old man but fails miserably. That’s my dad. So he needs an orange pencil tie. Because it’s perfect. I feel like an idiot trying to explain why I’m not completely insane even though I’m completely insane.

NEW TOPIC: THE CRABBY OLD GAY GUY MANAGER AT HOT TOPIC DIDN’T GLARE AT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And he remembered I have their discounty-card. I feel accomplished, I got a forced smile and complete sentences. Usually he just glares and looks like he’s sucking on lemons while simultaneously being poked by a very large, very sharp stick up his ass. I don’t take it personally, I’m pretty sure he just hates his life. But knowing that he’s physically capable of not glaring is both surprising and impressive.

Also: I’m pretty sure people were harassing me about my hair. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt but the mean snicker of the wife before the monotone “nice hair, snorts” was kind of not leaving much room for doubt. *sighs* Why can’t people keep their asshole-ishness to themselves like I do? I’m not actually asking you to be nice, just silently douchey. Whatever, fuck ’em. Both him and his wife were ugly rednecks anyway.

*sighs* I feel less stressed out now so I’m going to start on laundry and ramble at you peoples later.

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First picture that I instagramed(?) Next stop: teaching myself the art of the hashtag.

*Yawns*

Here’s my eyeball video

I’m sleepy. I wanna nap. But I’ve been in a pretty good mood today which is good.

I’m stalking the Jeffree star website since I wanna grab a nude now that I’ve found a lipstick that’s almost me-proof. But it also sucks because I want to buy all of the pretty colors that will be restocked tomorrow and I can’t. *sighs* I need to remember this the next time I’m about to spend 30 dollars on candles at target. Also they’re giving out hot cash right now Dx All of the pretty things I want to buy and can’ttttttt. So flustering. Oh wells.

The Smoodge has been cute today which is good. And I’m super happy because my dresslink order came in and I’m pretteh happy with the thingles.

I don’t know. I feel like I should be saying more right now but the clouds are turning my brain into sleep. It was super hot and melty for like two weeks and now everything is all beautifully cool and cloudy again and it’s been rainy and lovely but unfortunately it’s making me even sleepier than I usually am. I know I’m not the only one like that, who wants to just curl up and nap or read every time it gets cloudy out.

I still feel lazy though.

I need to figure out what to get Josh for father’s day. I’ve already picked out my Dad’s thing but Josh is doing his typical oh I don’t need anyyyyythinggggggg routine -.- It’s frustrating me. Especially since I want to get him something awesome. *sighs* Lots more plannings for me.

I couldddd get him the new Pierce the Veil album if they ever fucking released it. Seriously. I’m about ready to hunt those motherfuckers down and hold them hostage and knife point until they let me buy their mother fucking CD. We’ve been waiting for years now. -.- like two years but still. Years. It doesn’t help that they’ve mentioned in interviews that they’re like done writing and recording most of it too. It just keeps getting delayed because of the tours I think. GOD. Fuck all the things.

I feel like I always buy Josh cd’s anyway. *sighs* I just never know what the stupid little non-materialistic fucker wants.

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I Say Things Maybe…

So this weekend was a thing. Josh was on call and he didn’t get called all weekend! So I hads the whole three days with mah babeh¬†‚ô•¬†I was happeh.

We also spent the whole weekend doing pretty much nothing. It was perfect.

But now I have stuff bouncing around in my head. About the smoodge and when she grows up and stuff.

I guess it all sort of started last night because I was depressed for a bit and what I was fixating on this time is essentially worrying about whether or not Josh thinks I’m weird (He says no, I’m pretty sure he means yes but in an awesome way though.) Because when we first started talking I was the awkward geeky teen person who wants to be gothish but is too scared of what everybody already says about her so she settles for morbid-geekish.

Frizzy brown hair, clothes that either hide or just don’t flatter, lots of graphic tees if I remember rightish.

Stuff like that. I barely used any eyeliner. It’s depressing just thinking about it.

And now, because I’m slowly gaining confidence and losing all of my fucks-given, I’m starting to let my outside reflect a lot more of my inside. I’m not saying that I can’t be me without approximately three pounds of eyeliner, it’s just a lot easier and more fun.

So anyway, I worry about what the Josh thinks sometimes because I’m no longer a frizzy brown haired geeky person, but a mostly-tamed red-head with an obsession with body mods(my newest fixation is corset-training. this will have to wait till after I’m done reproducing though.), and black lipstick, and eyeliner, and you know, black anything.

It’s not that I’ve really changed who I am as a person much, I’m just gaining the confidence to express who I’ve always been.

All of that is to basically catch you up on this weekend, and preface the whole smidge thing.

How am I supposed to teach her to love herself, and to tell her that she’s beautiful just the way she is, when I wear my black makeup, dye my hair, pierce myself, and will probably sometime soonish be tattooed, without being a hypocrite?

I know I won’t be lying when I tell her she’s beautiful. The little shits one and already way too damn cute. With her daddy’s soft brown hair and smile, and her mummies pretty eyes, and complexion. I’m not bragging, but I think the odds of this kid growing up ugly are pretty slim.

But how do I make her know that when I’m changing my face, and how do I explain to her that I love my face the way it is, and I’m not trying to hide it.

I think it’s going to be tricky explaining the way I view makeup, body image, and loving yourself in general to her.

I think makeup is fun, a way to express yourself and be artistic, to show people who you are. But at the same time that it’s not necessary to put makeup on or to change yourself to feel and be beautiful. That natural beauty is just as real, and besides, there are more important things than being beautiful. It’s more important to be kind, compassionate, intelligent, and caring, than it is to be beautiful.

I love who I am, with or with out make up, even when my depursions makes it harder. It’s taken a really long time, and sometimes I still don’t¬†think so, but I really do love myself. And I want to give that to my daughter.

I want her to love herself when she’s wearing makeup, when she’s not, when she’s having “fat days” and when she’s feeling on top of the world. That’s something my mom still doesn’t seem to understand. I think that made it harder to find it for myself, but I want to give it to Smidgey. I want to give her all the confidence and the self-love I can pound into her tiny, sassy ass.

Because the rest of the world is going to try to drag her down, I don’t want her to tear herself apart to.

I just hope I can explain that to her.

I’m bad at verbal communication though so the odds are that I’m going to muddle it all up.

Maybe I can just save this somehow and make her read it when she’s twelve after the first time one of her friends gives her shit for not shaving her legs….

I just want my baby girl to grow up knowing that she’s beautiful.

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