Category Archives: Dealing with Depressions

Okay so I’ve been trying to figure out what to write about pretty much ever since that last post, and I couldn’t really make up my mind until I finished reading Perks of Being a Wallflower.

Which, after I spent about 12 hours fangirling and coming down from that I-just-read-an-amazing-book high, left me thinking about how some books are good, and others are life-changing.

So I’ve decided to give you guys a smallish list of books that have profoundly affected my life and the way I look at the world, They’re not in any particular order, nor is this all of them (not even close) just the ones sitting in the front of my brain.

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  1. Perks of Being a Wallflower by Peter Chbosky

I figured since this was the book that started this post it should come first. It was really profound. I fell in love with the characters, the style, and the story from the moment I picked it up. It was just beautiful.

Favorite quotes:

“And in that moment, I swear we were infinite.”

“I would die for you. But I won’t live for you.”

“So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be.”

“We accept the love we think we deserve.”

Also, the poem, and really the whole damn book is quotable, it’s fucking beautiful.

I feel like what I got from this book was to embrace the moments, to be earnest with my feelings and actions, and to love the life I have.

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2. The Picture of Dorian Gray By Oscar Wilde

I’d like to add that this is and has been my favorite book ever since I read it, almost four years ago, and that is an astonishing record for me. I’m a slut for Oscar Wilde and I sincerely wish I could have a conversation with him, you know, if he wasn’t dead. I feel like this book is ridiculously quotable, fun to read, and has real depth under neath the many layers of fabulousness.

Favorite quotes:

“The books that the world calls immoral are books that show the world its own shame.”

“Humanity takes itself too seriously. It is the world’s original sin. If the cave-man had known how to laugh, History would have been different.”

“Experience is merely the name men gave to their mistakes.”

“Nowadays people know the price of everything and the value of nothing.”

“I am too fond of reading books to care to write them.”

“Some things are more precious because they don’t last long.”

“Laughter is not at all a bad beginning for a friendship, and it is by far the best ending for one.”

Also, the entire fucking book is just one massive pile of beautiful, charming, horrible, quotes from a beautiful, cynical, miserable, man. It was utterly breathtaking and reminded me that there are more important things than being beautiful, clever, and popular. And that in the end it’s better to be honest with yourself and the people you love.

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3. Hamlet by If I need to tell you, why are you reading this???

Obviously this is a play not a book, but I love it tremendously so it has to be included. People say Shakespeare is hard to read, I feel like its more hard to start reading, and then once you do it’s hard to stop. Also this is my favorite Shakespeare anything.

Favorite Quotes:

“Doubt thou the stars are fire;
Doubt that the sun doth move;
Doubt truth to be a liar;
But never doubt I love.” –also probably my favorite quote of all time.

“This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.”

“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”

“Though this be madness, yet there is method in’t.”

“Listen to many, speak to a few.”

I feel like the romance between Hamlet and Ophelia is only tied between the love of Annabel Lee and the speaker for best romance of all time. Look at that first quote, just look at it, it’s beautiful and sweet and sad and dreamy, pretty much the whole play is. Hamlet served as a reminder to do what I believe is right, and to say what’s on my mind.

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4. Impulse by Ellen Hopkins

I’m also a slut for Ellen Hopkins, her writing style, her stories, they’re always so sad and touching and raw and real. This is one of the first books of hers that I read, and it’s stayed my favorite. Probably because I find it the easiest to identify with, I feel like Vanessa was written for me, and they’re all in a mental hospital.

Favorite Quotes:

“Grandma once told me it’s easy to overthink love, to dissect it and question it until it is no more.”

“One foot in front of the other, counting tiles on the floor so I don’t have to focus the blur of painted smiles, fake faces.” An accurate description of highschool Life.

“It [death] chokes you, gags you, but you have to pretend that you’re doing just fine, not trembling with this fear because the end is close.”

“Too much to take in, too much to purge. Why must every memory, once sweet, dead end in such ugliness?”

This book isn’t happy, it doesn’t have a happy ending, and there’s very little fluff to distract you from how horrible it is. But it was the first book I ever read that had characters who were depressed. It was novel for me to know that there were enough people who felt the way I do everyday that somebody would write a book about them. It also taught me to keep going, that it’s worth it to keep working, and that ending it all solves nothing.

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5. Furiously Happy by Jenny Lawson 

This isn’t a novel or a story like the rest of them, it basically read like a collection of posts from her blog, which I adore, so it was totally awesome. (Only decent Best present my in-laws ever bought me) She alternates between talking about her life as a funny awesome mom person, and coping with severe depression and a host of other mental issues.

Favorite Quotes/Chapters:

“Don’t sabotage yourself. There are plenty of other people willing to do that for free.”

“Don’t make the same mistakes that everyone else makes. Make wonderful mistakes. Make the kind of mistakes that make people so shocked that they have no other choice but to be a little impressed.”

“I AM GOING TO BE FURIOUSLY HAPPY, OUT OF SHEER SPITE.” (How I’ve decided to approach life from here on out.)

“I can’t think of another type of illness where the sufferer is made to feel guilty and question their self-care when their medications need to be changed.”

“Normal is boring. Weird is better. Goats are awesome, but only in small quantities.”

Chapters:

Furiously Happy, Dangerously Sad

Pretend your Good at it

George Washington’s Dildo

An Essay on Parsley, Wasabi, Cream Cheese, and Soup

We’re Better Than Galileo, Because He’s Dead. (specifically the spoon theory)

Well at Least Your Nipples are covered. ( I read this at Josh, I have noticed a slight improvement in compliment sincerity, I feel like this is a magical chapter)

And It Might be Easier, But It Wouldn’t Be Better. (This basically felt like what Josh is always trying to say but can never get out right.)

This book was ridiculously funny, gave me new insight into dealing with my shitload of crazy, and is the only thing I’ve ever read about depression that didn’t make me feel more depressed after I read it. I laughed and cried, out loud, like audibly, like it invoked a physical reaction in me. And it was a beautiful reminder that we’re not alone, we’re not broken, and in some ways, we have the potential to be even more awesome than the normal people. Seriously, if you’ve ever struggled with depression read this, or her blog, either or, both are awesome Cx

Anywhore sorry this is so long, believe it or not I cut a lot out, but these are the stories that touched my soul. They changed the way I view the world, the way I cope with life, the way I look at myself and others. I hope if you read them you feel the same way, or at least find them enjoyable.

 

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Resolutions? I’m bad at being on time

So it’s January which means that everyone on the damn planet is going on about the new year, new me bullshit which I don’t really buy.

But for the sake of conforming I will tell you what my personal goals for this year are, and you will pretend to care for five minutes.

  1. I want to keep up with the Q&A journal Josh got me. Basically it asks you a question everyday and it’s got enough space for 5 years, so you see how your answers differ year to year. I think its cool because I suck at journaling and it’s something short and quick I can do in the morning.
  2. I want to talk to people more. I always wonder why I don’t have many friends but then I stay inside watching anime all day and never trying to talk to anyone.
  3.  I want to exercise more (can’t believe I’m actually saying that *looks down at rapidly growing tummy* ….wait yes, yes I can >.<) , meditate more, and try to start doing yoga again..

These aren’t just random things I thought up to sound cool, I never sound cool, but I have noticed that I generally feel better when I express myself, force myself out of my comfort zone, and try to move my lazy ass. It helps me feel a bit less depressed and a bit more energetic, so I’m going to give this shit a shot I suppose.

Happy late New Years, how did yours go? Mine sucked dick and ended up with me spending an hour crying myself to sleep in a bathtub when I wasn’t even drunk! 😀

Cheerios losers I’m off to watch youtube ❤

-Sissy

Do………………………………..dum…………………………………..de…………………………………….WUBWUBWUB (my totally pro dubstep imitation)

That was my tuesday video… Kindof surprised because usually I don’t break ten views unless I post it here but that’s kindof cool *shrugs* still no clue what I’m doing with that.

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I just got back from the Dr’s. Was actually a really quick easy appointment, I told her my meds weren’t working anymore and she’s like well we can add in this or up your dosage. And since I’m not having any awful side effects I decided to just up my dosage, if it ends up happening again then I’ll try the other med too but less pillsage is better in my book.

Also since I explained that the reason I’ve avoided coming back for so long is because I hate making phone calls, she gave me her cell and told me next time I want to make an appointment just text her and let her know what’s up and she’ll get me set up without calls.

Plus she also asked if I was cool with councely therapisty visits and I said, yea but same deal on the calling, whole reason I’m not already seeing a shrink. So she got a nurse to call different shrinky peeps and find someone who takes my insurance and set up an appointment.

So tomorrow at 1 I’ll be having my first therapisty visit session whatever. I’m nervous, but I know I’ll be okay and the whole fear of everything is part of the reason I need to go right? I’m sorry I haven’t been posting lately, I promise I’ve been reading everything and trying to reply to comments, it’s just really hard because on top of the bad depursions and the screaming child I’ve been having the excruciating menstrual issues and have kindof just wanted to lay on the couch and bawl and groan and shove gelato into my face-hole. Which smidge doesn’t approve of -.- damn kid steals my icecreams. and my popsicles. and my coffee. and my soda. She’s gunna be a pudge-monkey of a chibble.

Anywhore that’s what’s been up and I’ll be off now!

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I Say Things Maybe…

So this weekend was a thing. Josh was on call and he didn’t get called all weekend! So I hads the whole three days with mah babeh ♥ I was happeh.

We also spent the whole weekend doing pretty much nothing. It was perfect.

But now I have stuff bouncing around in my head. About the smoodge and when she grows up and stuff.

I guess it all sort of started last night because I was depressed for a bit and what I was fixating on this time is essentially worrying about whether or not Josh thinks I’m weird (He says no, I’m pretty sure he means yes but in an awesome way though.) Because when we first started talking I was the awkward geeky teen person who wants to be gothish but is too scared of what everybody already says about her so she settles for morbid-geekish.

Frizzy brown hair, clothes that either hide or just don’t flatter, lots of graphic tees if I remember rightish.

Stuff like that. I barely used any eyeliner. It’s depressing just thinking about it.

And now, because I’m slowly gaining confidence and losing all of my fucks-given, I’m starting to let my outside reflect a lot more of my inside. I’m not saying that I can’t be me without approximately three pounds of eyeliner, it’s just a lot easier and more fun.

So anyway, I worry about what the Josh thinks sometimes because I’m no longer a frizzy brown haired geeky person, but a mostly-tamed red-head with an obsession with body mods(my newest fixation is corset-training. this will have to wait till after I’m done reproducing though.), and black lipstick, and eyeliner, and you know, black anything.

It’s not that I’ve really changed who I am as a person much, I’m just gaining the confidence to express who I’ve always been.

All of that is to basically catch you up on this weekend, and preface the whole smidge thing.

How am I supposed to teach her to love herself, and to tell her that she’s beautiful just the way she is, when I wear my black makeup, dye my hair, pierce myself, and will probably sometime soonish be tattooed, without being a hypocrite?

I know I won’t be lying when I tell her she’s beautiful. The little shits one and already way too damn cute. With her daddy’s soft brown hair and smile, and her mummies pretty eyes, and complexion. I’m not bragging, but I think the odds of this kid growing up ugly are pretty slim.

But how do I make her know that when I’m changing my face, and how do I explain to her that I love my face the way it is, and I’m not trying to hide it.

I think it’s going to be tricky explaining the way I view makeup, body image, and loving yourself in general to her.

I think makeup is fun, a way to express yourself and be artistic, to show people who you are. But at the same time that it’s not necessary to put makeup on or to change yourself to feel and be beautiful. That natural beauty is just as real, and besides, there are more important things than being beautiful. It’s more important to be kind, compassionate, intelligent, and caring, than it is to be beautiful.

I love who I am, with or with out make up, even when my depursions makes it harder. It’s taken a really long time, and sometimes I still don’t think so, but I really do love myself. And I want to give that to my daughter.

I want her to love herself when she’s wearing makeup, when she’s not, when she’s having “fat days” and when she’s feeling on top of the world. That’s something my mom still doesn’t seem to understand. I think that made it harder to find it for myself, but I want to give it to Smidgey. I want to give her all the confidence and the self-love I can pound into her tiny, sassy ass.

Because the rest of the world is going to try to drag her down, I don’t want her to tear herself apart to.

I just hope I can explain that to her.

I’m bad at verbal communication though so the odds are that I’m going to muddle it all up.

Maybe I can just save this somehow and make her read it when she’s twelve after the first time one of her friends gives her shit for not shaving her legs….

I just want my baby girl to grow up knowing that she’s beautiful.

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Mehhh O.O

So I’ve been all busiful, and have probably not been replying to comments in a prompt manner of posting much lately. But let me see…. Last post was thursdayy. Since then, I went to the Dr, Josh came home, I started anti-depressants, celebrated Smidgets 1st birthday(the actual bday is tomorrow, holy fuck, I just got really old.) And am now yet again doing weeks worth of homework three hours before it’s do. (actually, about half a week and I’m done with one class I’m just taking a break before I finish up.)

So to start at the beginning:

Dr’s visit wasssss I don’t know. Not nearly as scary as I thought it would be, but depressing in it’s own way. My Dr was really nice, totally believed me with the symptoms, and offered helpful suggestions for ways to get out of the house as well as a prescription for a low-dose anti-depressant. As far as getting out of the house, she was being nice but I don’t really want to get away from smidgey, she makes me happy. And she’s small enough that when I want to go somewhere I just take her with me.

But it was depressing because I had every single symptom on the check-list (You know how they ask you if you have a cough or a runny nose when you go in for a regular visit? They have one of those for depressed people apparently) So yes, my low mood is interfering with my daily life, I think about killing/hurting myself on a daily basis, I have a continual pervasive low mood, and difficulty enjoying things that make me happy. But what was really weird is some stuff that I just assumed was normal. Like low self-worth, low self-esteem, and negative body image? I mean. I’ve been operating under the impression that that’s something everyone feels all the time, my entire life. Is that weird? Like some people actually like themselves? O.o MY WHOLE LIFE IS A LIEEEEEEEEEEE Dammit. But now that I think about it…. most of my negative self-image and stuff does typically tie into my being depressed. And on days that I don’t want to die because I feel like a worthless waste of oxygen I’m actually fairly confident…

Anywayyyy Yea, so after I went and filled my new perscription Josh came home and we’ve been attacking each other like bunnies pretty much ever since (I care not, if I offend you with my lewd display of TMI-ness) which has been super awesome because month-long dry spells suck ass. Plus you know, my bff is back and we can talk and cuddle and I’ve been watching him play Infamous, Second Son which is hellaaaaaaa (forgive me for that, I know it was painful for me to even type) awesome. Like if I didn’t suck ass at video games I would play it 24/7. And I’m going to try to get him to whisper challenge with me soon, but we have a lot of shit we need to accomplish so it might be another longish while before I get it all done.

And I survived a social event that took place in my home! with both my in-laws and my family! And I’m not dead! It was kindof funny because I could tell that Josh and my dad were both keeping an eye on me to see if I was about to freak out, they’re pretty much the only ones who understand how much I hate anything social. And the lengths I go to to avoid social shit. *sighs*

As far as the meds go though, they’re supposed to take about two weeks to really feel a difference. I do believe I’m reaping the benefits of the placebo effect though. So I’m pretending that it’s that. Plus Josh is home, so whether their working or not I feel a lot better. Although the first two days I was really hormoney. I think it was the combination of the new substances being introduced to my head plus again the sex-life thing going back from zero to sixty, which brings its own feel-goody chemicals into play. So yea *nods* Doin better, at least for now. As far as side effects that I’ve noticed, Sleepy. So so fucking sleepy. Which is supposed to go away in about another day or two, and I can already tell it’s easing up today. Umm no weight gain (one of my two major concerns/reasons I avoided going to the dr for so long) actually.. if anything I’m losing a bit which I’ll have to be careful about because I’m hitting the bottom of where I like to stay. The other major side effect I was worried about was it killing my sex-drive, but that hasn’t been an issue (thank godddd Smidge did enough damage to my libido, if I get much less horny I’ll freaking die.) Um no suicidally thoughts (okay well, a decrease from what they were before.) Oh yea I think I saw this one listed on the mile long paper of stuff I should know/side effects/this may or may not kill you; It’s freaking hard to pee. It sounds really dumb and is totally livable and everything, but I have to like sit there for five minutes before I can actually go. *shrugs* I have no idea.

And as far as side effects that’s pretty much it. Alcohol makes me even more sleepy, but A.) I’m not supposed to be drinking at all B.) I’m not supposed to be drinking on these meds (not much, not even enough to count as tipsy, just enough to take the edge off of the whole people in my house, hugging me, nerves) and C.) I seem to be a sleepy, cuddly drunk anyway. I mean, I’ve only ever been that inebriated once or twice, but even when I’m tipsy all I want to do is cuddle and nap, so being sleepier on the occasions that I do decide to have a few drinks isn’t really that big of a deal to me.

Anyway sorry this got long, I have to finish my homeworks before Josh comes home. (I ACED MY FUCKING MIDTERMSSSSSSS) BAI

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Well Lately I’ve Been Up To

I’m actually really super excited because I got two subscribes this week so now I have 5 subscripys if you count Josh (I will admit that I followed my self from my other channel….seeing 0 subscribies kindof sucked, so that’s why it reads 6)

And also, following up that last post um yes, after that I stayed up reading and internetting until about 5 am and then showered and got dressed and took the Smidget to watch the sunrise on the beach. It did end up rising before we got there, but I still got to see it and it was still really pretty. I was going to add pictures but they won’t load so when they calm their pixel titties I’ll add them in an update.

I also went and picked up some yarn to make a scarf thing with and stringy stuff in an attempt to make tattoo chokers for myself so I don’t end up paying 8 bucks for the one I want. (some how I ended up buying the wrong type…so while the method works the stringies just wont cooperate -.-)

After that I came home and napped and made onigiri’s and internetted some more. It doesn’t sound like a lot but when you factor in the whole bit about me never going outside and basically never doing anything but the bare minimum to survive and continue internetting, Twas a big outing. And today, I slept till after lunchtime and then did that youtubey thing and have been lazing about pretty much ever since. I think I’m going to actually start doing the things I want to do from now on, or at least try. It’s not always possible but somethings I want to do and I just have no Idea why I don’t, especially with the amount of time on my hands. ie, I want to read The Tragedy Of Dr. Faustus. I have my dad’s(stolen) copy of it sitting on my bookshelf. Have I ever bothered to read it? No. So I’m going to try to start doing that stuff. Because I honestly have no reason not to. First tbr though is The Great Gatsby because *fucking horrible me* I loved the movie to pieces, but I’ve never read it. God. I hate being that person. So I’m going to stop it. More books for mwahh *builds blanket fort and creates a tower of to be reads*

Fuck Titles. I Can Never Think Of Anything Clever or Humorous To Put Here Anyway.

Shock of all shocks, I’m fucking depressed 😀 I know, I like to keep you peoples guessing with a fuck-load of variety. I have no idea why anyone would read this thing, but according to stats almost ____(actually not that many) people find me either amusing or relatable. Which is terrifying in and of itself.

But really I was thinking about how shitty I feel. Not in a self-pity why is this happening to me way (for once) but in more of a, yea but at least I have feelings sort of way.

I’m one of those gosh durn quirky peoples that believes that you can’t understand joy unless you’ve experienced pain. Because yes you can be happy without knowing pain, but you have no context or frame of reference for what a truly amazing blessing that is. How are you supposed to appreciate warmth if you’ve never been exposed to the cold? I think that’s actually a pretty good analogy. I feel all clever now, because the longer you’re outside in the cold, and the colder it was, and the closer your fingers got to getting frostbitten, the more you’ll enjoy that first step back inside when you open the door and it’s so deliciously toasty. But then after a while you adjust to it and then it doesn’t really feel warm again until you go back out, or turn up the heat.

I think that’s a decent way of explaining how good days feel, how completely ecstatic I am on days where I just wake up happy. Because I appreciate it so so much more than someone who doesn’t have this turmoil and this intense negativity constantly clouding their head. I visibly smile when I crunch leaves. I laugh out loud at utterly wretched puns because they’re horrible. I will literally bounce up and down when Josh sits still in the cosmetics aisle long enough for me to pick a new eyeshadow (although in his defense, for me, eyeshadow is an ordeal.) I laugh and smile at so many stupid little things that people just don’t seem to notice or appreciate, and honestly for me, it’s worth all of the extra tears.

I’m blessed in that I don’t have to deal with physical pain. (except for frequent occasional clumsiness). But the level of emotional pain I carry around in my head and heart everyday, isn’t nearly as insignificant as I lead most people to believe (If your sitting there being all like, well all you ever talk about is how depressed you areee, that’s because this is my tiny piece of internet and where I go to get as much of the bullshit out as possible. If you don’t like it, leave.)

So yes. I’m in pain. A lot. But I think that if I hadn’t felt this much pain, I wouldn’t appreciate all of the little joy’s in my life. My daughter woke me up ridiculously early (a reasonable time, until you consider the whole two hours of sleep thing, I went back to bed though) and even though I was completely blind, exhausted, and pissed at being woken up, when she clapped, and giggled, and said hi (I’m assuming she smiled, I couldn’t see) that made me so happy that it was pretty much the only reason I got out of bed later.

I value my humanity. And feeling strong emotions is an essential part of humanity. I want to live a full life, and part of making it full is filling in the bad parts as well as the good ones, and realizing that at the end of the day, even if there aren’t more good parts, if I’ve experienced the positive and the negative equally, The good bits shine brighter. They feel more. They stick better in our memory. That’s important to me. I only get one shot at this whole life thing (no hate if you buy into the whole reincarnation thing, I just don’t) so I want to do the best I fucking can, to do, to see, to feel, as many things as possible.

*bonus additional analogy* Ever had a dark chocolate covered strawberry? or really any combination of bitter-sweet? Doesn’t that taste so much better than just what ever sweet thing that was on it’s own? I personally will take the chocolate-covered strawberries, the salted caramel flavors and the savory-bitter-sweet things over the alternatives every time.

Too many people sleep through the sunrise, and ignore the sunset, because there’ll always be another one tomorrow. Until there isn’t and it’s too late and you realize that you’ve only seen maybe a small handful of both in your entire life. I don’t want to live that way. I need to seek out the little things, because they’re what keeps the big things from completely destroying me. I want to feel as much as I possibly can, in this short amount of time I’ve been given, because my life is precious, and I don’t want to waste it. Either by ending it now, or by simple leaving it empty. I want my life to be long, complicated, interesting, emotional, and hopefully, happy and beautiful because of it.

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See that? That’s the sort of god awful thing that makes me giggle.

Does This Make Me Crazy?

Okay….so I’m about to make myself sound like a complete headcase right now. But do other people have moments when they’re listening to music and they just want to scream? Not from sheer awesomeness of music or being swept up in a song, but if you hear the first few notes of a song and it just makes you want to rip your hair out and scream at the top of your lungs until you physically can’t anymore? No… I’m not talking about Taylor Swift (that’s a totally sane and rational response to that shit) I mean like I’ll just be listening to music and a new song will come on, or even a different part of the same one, and it just resonates in such a way that I feel like I need to scream and sometimes throw things. No? It’s just me? Okay then…. I kindof figured.

I don’t know… this actually seems to happen more with music that I like…

*I’m about to sound like a spiritualist voodoo hippy*

I think it’s because of the power and energy in music. I mean, I believe that the more power you believe something has, the more power it’ll have over you. That’s why that “I’m a badass goth kid” in a pentagram shirt probably isn’t a real satanist, and is probably an atheist or at most agnostic, and why some people are more impacted by certain things. Like I believe music is really really powerful. I believe that the emotions felt when a song was written and created can be profoundly felt by the people listening to it. Maybe that’s why I react more to some artists than I do others… Like for example: Pink Floyd, I completely and totally adore their music, It’s just breathtakingly amazing, but I can’t listen to them for more than a few minutes at a time. I remember one time I listened to the whole The Dark Side Of The Moon and I seriously almost killed myself. I think the reason it doesn’t bother other people is because they don’t believe it can. But I value my ability to feel things, and I feel like if you listen to music without letting it move you, you’re missing the whole point. I just happen to listen to a lot of music that moves my brain to dark places. Thus, wanting to scream.

What brought on this awkward morbid rambling? I was on youtube (shock and horror) and I felt like listening to music (shock and horror) I feel the need to briefly explain this first so it makes slightly more sense:

I’ve loved classic rock pretty much before I even knew what music was, It’s just what my parents agreed on in the car/house and it’s the only music my mum ever listens to that doesn’t make me cringe. However, I don’t like saying I’m a fan, or buying shirts or merch of these bands because since I always heard it on the radio, I never knew who sung what. So I pretty much just knew Queen and Bon Jovi. But I know that I like a lot more than that, and wanted to start clarifying who sings what so I can buy retro hipster tee’s without feeling like one of those typical “oh em geezus I’m so hipster in my nirvana shirt, wait who’s kurt cobain????” yea one of those douchebags

. *So continuing my explanation* I cued up the (you guessed it) Nirvana playlist, and to my surprise not only is the very first song one of my long time loves (Lithium, shocking, but now I know what it’s called.) but it’s also one of those makes me want to scream and throw myself into a wall sort of moments. Which I guess it makes sense that the man who wrote beautiful lyrics and killed himself made me *ze person with depressions and suicidal thoughts* feel, shall we say, triggered.

It just bothers me because this is a very common occurrence with me. And it’s not exactly specific songs either, or I’d just avoid those. Like one day a song will make me want to scream, and the next time I hear it, it’ll make me want to dance and sing. Some artists have music that I generally find more triggering, but in general it’s just so so random *dramatic sighs of frustration* So am I the only one that loves listening to music that makes me want to die?

But hey, at least now I can honestly say I’ve been a die-hard Nirvana fan since I was like six.

*Next Stop Courtney Love and Depeche Mode* (actually if you happen to be a fan of that sort of thing and know the names of classic rock-y alternative music, let me know because I probably like it, I just don’t know what it’s called.)

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This Person, I do not want to ever be this person.

Well….

I was supposed to go to bed early because my in-laws are visiting tomorrow, but it’s too late for that now! *cues up anime marathon* I’m going to have to wake up really early (because 8 is obscenely early when you typically get up at lunchtime…..) But I’m not complaining because my father-in-law has decided to recruit the brother-in-law that I *extremely dislike* and force him to dig out my car (it snowed at least 6 inches today) I don’t really mind doing it myself, but I don’t have a shovel and the only shoes I have that don’t skid on ice are converse which are, shall we say, the exact opposite of waterproof???? So I’m not looking the gift horse in the mouth, despite the fact that I will have to thank the slimy vermin and his father who insists on hugging me. I know they’re just trying to be friendly, but I’m not big on physical contact. *shivers*

Also *crosses fingers* I submitted the second half of my first midterm today. The upshot of online classes is that I’m getting to take them at home, and I have the whole week to turn them in. I’m hoping I did okay, I think this is like the second class where I’ve had essay questions? (oh the joys of being homeschooled, except for the part where you spend 24/7 with someone who doesn’t really like you and doesn’t do a good job of pretending they do.) But I only missed 1 question on the normal problems and I think I’ll get partial credit on that because I gave the right answer just in plural instead of singular (damn you ziggurats!), I am going to email her at the end of the week, but I think I remember her mentioning earlier that she would be going through and checking the answers for spelling problems and such. I mean I even checked to make sure I spelled it right so it would be totally unfair if I didn’t get partial. *yawns* I’m sleepy.

And my head hurts. I feel like shit. I’m exhausted constantly. I know I’m sick I just don’t know what’s wrong. And I don’t have mono but this is like over a month and a half of feeling like I got hit by a bus every single day. I know that official clinical-ly depression can mess with your sleep, but I’ve never been diagnosed and isn’t something that I usually feel. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. *sighs* If I’m not careful I’ll sleep 12 hours a day, and while I don’t really have a problem with that, it’s not good for Smidgey to be in her crib that long, even if she is totally happy just chilling and playing with her toys. It’s better for her if she’s running around taking books off of shelves and trying to finish off murdering my laptop. So I am trying really hard to get up before 1, at least so I can take care of her. I feel like a shitty mom when I don’t spend more time actually playing with her, but it’s so hard to move and do the bare minimum right now, anything more than that seems impossible. I’m trying the best I can, I make sure I get her to laugh every day, and I make sure I actually talk to her so she doesn’t end up one of those kids that doesn’t talk ’till they’re three because they spend all day every day with no interaction besides their mum who doesn’t talk. But it feels like a monumental effort to do the littlest things. I wish it didn’t hurt so much.

Oh and here’s my TMI 50 questions whatever tag: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=im2L5aHVp1Q&list=UUs80yobEPbCd6ZSbispvDTw it is pretty long, but I answered 50 freaking questions, and I tried to actually give real answers for things instead of being all “oh em gees I could never pick just oneeeee favorite color” So it’s there if you’re interested, no big if you’re not. I’m going to lie down now.

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Wow

So I’m actually really proud of myself. I’ve been sort-of going back down on the whole roller-coaster that is my trying to deal with my depursions. I’ve just been steadily feeling worse and worse for like the past few weeks until yesterday. All I wanted to do all day long yesterday was kill myself. Or at the very least completely and utterly destroy my arms and legs so that I could feel better. In total I probably bawled my eyes out like five times and I can’t even begin to count how many times I started to tear up and stopped myself. I just really, really wanted to end it all.

But, I didn’t obviously, and not only that but I managed to not hurt myself too. I know it sounds dumb, because I’ve been doing this so long it should be easy by now right? But yesterday was just…bad. I worked backwards through every single coping/alternative I’ve ever found helpful all the way back to my original method the “I’ll do it, just in five minutes. Okay it’s been five minutes I think I can go five more.” thing. I watched hours of youtube I did my makeup and my nails and my homework and even after all of it when nothing was helping and I felt completely broken and fucked up I still managed to stop myself. I was mentally past the point of talking myself out of it for like six hours, but I managed not to anyway. I don’t even now how I did it but I’m just so, so, happy with myself. I did that, all on my own. I was okay. Well, not okay but at least handling it a lot better. It was so fucking hard but I did it and I don’t think I’ve ever been more proud of myself.

I think the reason I find cutting so addictive is because it’s really just a way for me to not deal with my problems. It’s a way to distract all of the pain I feel into something physical, that I can control. (except you can’t really control it.) And I think that’s why I’m having a hard time, because I’ve been in so much pain lately (I honestly don’t know why.) and I don’t know how to handle it without hurting myself.

But I guess last night, I just… Let it hurt? I didn’t try to pretend I was okay, I didn’t act like I was happy or fine, I acknowledged it and just let it hurt until I was done crying and fell asleep. It took a really long time, but it eventually numbed itself.

I just struggle with being depressed so much because it’s something I can’t control. I feel like I have to control everything all the time. (probably some deep-seated parental issues there.) And when I was hurting myself it was how I controlled it. But Now that I’m not and I’m feeling this level of depression again, It’s been a really hard struggle to deal with it, knowing that it’s beyond my control, and trying to work through it instead of pushing everything aside, and burying it and pretending it doesn’t exist.

I really do think I should see a doctor. I’m not sure if what I need is therapy or meds (probably both) because I’m getting pretty good at handling the pain I’m always in, but I don’t think it’s normal to be in this constant emotional turmoil when I’m not doing anything to instigate it, and I don’t have any valid reasons. I know some people have valid, physical, real reasons for why they’re depressed. But I don’t. Which makes me think that I really do have a chemical imbalance in my head. But that sucks because the environment I’m in, well, let’s just say half the people around me don’t think mental illnesses are real, and the other half firmly believe they’re caused by spiritual oppression/possession. (Which, I do believe in possession, but I don’t think every person with OCD or ADHD is possessed, and I know for a fact that I’m not. Call me crazy if you want to, it’s just my personal opinion.) And while Josh is much more supportive than everyone else, I think he’s terrified at the thought of me going on meds because I guess he’s seen some people that got really messed up on anti-depressants and ended up changing a lot. But I mean, I don’t think that what I’m feeling is normal. And it’s starting to look more and more like it’s worth the risk if I can find something that really does help. I mean, even if something does mess with my personality I can just go back to the Dr and ask to switch medications right?

I will say I’m terrified at the thought of gaining weight, I just managed to start liking my appearance so the thought of messing with that is actually really scary. Anyway, sorry this is so heavy, but it’s why I haven’t been writing much lately.

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Have a tiny baby kraken.