Category Archives: Being A Teen Girl

SOOOOOOOO Samm tagged me in the hair tag like two months ago and I just saw it /.\ better late then never right? Just agree with me on this……

  1. Why did you start taking better care of your hair?

Because I started dyeing it a lot, and was worried about over-damaging it, I feel like thats a common answer XD

2. What are your two favorite hair products?

I’m not sure I can pickkkkk DX umm hair dye, and deep conditioners, with hairspray in a very, very close third… I need my damn hairspray to keep it floofy peeples

3. Who’s hair did you admire as a child?

Anyone with colorful hair, I always looked up to the punk girls with choppy, colorful hair and big fringes.

4. What is your ultimate goal length?

Umm a bit past my boobies.

5. How are you going to celebrate reaching your ultimate goal length?

Hmmm… Probably buying lots of hair accessories and spamming instagram with cute hair pics

6. Two styles you want to try at your ultimate goal length?

Long pig-tails with my natural hair, and quite possibly a side cut (grow it all out to chop half of it off XD)

7. Which do you prefer: Health or Length?

Well I feel like the right answer is health, but unless it’s completely fried I personally will choose length. I’ve always had short hair so now I’m hell bent on getting long hair no matter what…

8. What do you prefer: hair ties with no metal parts or butterfly clips?

Hair ties, I almost always have my hair in pigtails/ twin buns?? so I like my hair ties.

9. What products do you prefer: salon brands, organic brands, bss brands (Idek what that means), drugstore brands, or other.

I try to use organic brands because I feel like it’s better for my hair (plus they usually smell really good) but if I’m being cheap drugstore.

10. Which product/technique do you think is over-rated?

Curling wands. Their like curling irons, but with no clip so you have to hold the ends there and you always end up burning your damn fingers and the curls look weird because you were too busy dealing with your burnt fingers to focus on what you were fucking doing……. I speak from experience -.-

11. Which product/technique do you think is under-rated.

Not washing it. With the magic of dry shampoo I only wash my hair once a week and it makes it much softer.

12. What is your favorite part of your hair regimen?

Hairspray, it looks perfect, lets glue it in place XD I just love the smell of my hairspray sooooo…. I dunno

13. What is the most annoying part of your hair regimen?

Doing my roots, I always need someone to spot me, it smells bad, takes hours, and is just generally a pain in the ass.

14. Oils or Butters?

Oils, I love a good nice-smelling oil treatment CX although masks and deep conditioners really are more my speed..

15. Buns or ponytails?

Buns, I feel like I can do more with a bun, bandanna ads rockabilly flair, double buns for super cuteness, Roll my fringe back  for pin-up perfection, messy bun when I’m pretending to be normal… So much you can do with a good bun.

16. Wigs or Weaves?

Wigs, I feel like they give you more flexibility and options.

17. What is your opinion on growth aids?

That most of them are bullshit schemes to make money. Unless its plain generic biotin I don’t trust it and even that isn’t a miracle growth thing, it’s just to keep it healthy.

18. At what length do you consider hair long?

When you can braid it without it looking sad and pathetic… About boob length.

19. When was the last time you visited a salon?

This summer. Actually it’s really sad, I finally found a good fucking salon and a hair dresser I love, and I start doing my own hair. I can’t spend #200 dollars every three months though, it’s just obscene.

20. What do you like to surf most often: Youtube channels, personal blogs, or hair forums.

Hmm it depends on if I’m doing it for fun or if I’m about to try something new. I love watching youtube hair videos for fun, but if I’m experimenting I’m more likely to check hair forums and get opinions from actual hair dressers.

21. And finally, what piece of advice would you give to someone just starting out on their hair journey?

A few things 1. take care of it, healthy hair is pretty hair. 2. Don’t listen to what people say, it’s your hair so experiment and try what you like, find what works for you. and 3. What Samm said, it’s just hair. At the end of the day you can chop it all off and it’ll grow back. It might look a little awkward for a few months but it’ll grow back and you can try again.

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Included a pic of my personal hair goals CX

 

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Warning: Unashamed Selfie Whoring Ahead

Oh hey Alice (it is Alice right??? I’ll feel so stupid if I’ve been thinking it wrong this whole time o.o) I finally got around to my red eye look

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BEHOLD THE SELFIE WHORE THAT I AMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM LOOK AT THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOOK AT ALL OF MY BEAUTIFUL SELFIESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I FEEL NO SHAMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Anyway of course I was instawhoring the fuck out of this makeup and decided to tag my favorite beautiest guru hannah hospital in one of them ’cause I used her lip tutorial. The amount of excitement I felt when she liked it rather sickened me. I fangirled like a thirteen year old o.o Why the fuck do I care so much?!?!? IM SUPPOSED TO NOT CARE ABOUT ANYTHINGGGGGGG

Anyway not alot has happened this morning aside from me continuing to look adorable and playing with the smidget. We had dominos cheesy bread for breakfast because last night I hit a new low; I had just put Smidgey down for bed and decided I wanted a soda. Because there was no way in hell I was waking her up to go leave my apartment and interact with people to get it, I decided to order online and spend the minimum thirteen dollars just to get my fucking two liter of coke >.< I’m a bad human. But it is awesome cheesy bread soooooo *shrugs* I’m calling it even.

Anyway I shall skip off and continue to be a bootiful emo-goth princess now tittles and ttfn and all of the things people say good bye with!

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No excuses this time

I’ve been sick as fuck and trying not to puke my guts up while my tummy tries to murder me but whatever.

Not much has happened because of the aforementioned reasons.

Ummm things… with words….

My tongue split seems to be making really good progress (being partially okay completely insane and tying it so tight it’s practically embedded is great for making progress!) I guestimate that I’m about half-way done, but the second half will definitely take longer since I’m going a lot slower now, tired of bleeding every time I want to eat….

I keep missing days on my instagrammy challenge because of my patheticness too -.- stupid sick.

But since I was catching up on all the posts I’ve missed this week I found a great tag on Samm’s blog. It’s supposed to be for Goth’ses but I’m claiming it in the name of all the uncategorized alt girls. Because honestly most of the questions I feel are applicable anyway.

Smidge is getting better at footwalkings! She’s going to master the art of the turning without falling down soon. It’s cute but also terrifying because it spells my doom in bold italicized and capitalized letters. She get’s into all the things.

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I’m sad because Josh has been working even crazier then usual hours. He was finally going to be home when he’s supposed to, walked in the door dropped off the stuff he brought home (he gotted me the bestest chocolate and coconut waters Cx) and was like guess what! I’ve got to go back to work. :/ I feel bad for him, I don’t remember the last time he had a full day off.

My book came in the mail! I can’t wait to start reading it, hopefully it’ll be as good as the first one, will updates you all when finished. Ugh.

Tired now.

Must laundry.

Then nap.

Much Nap.

Did I mention toddler?

need sleeps

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Doom Doom Doomy Doom

I got that thing uploaded on time. I officially have 0 back logs now but it’s okay because as I mentioned, I figured out my ootd, I found a fun tag and I’m officially going to try to remember to ask Josh about the boyfriend tag this weekend.

I ended up going to walmart yesterday, I didn’t notice (or think I noticed) as many people staring at me, but that might have been because I was stressed and hurrying.

Ugh.

I’m just mad because I had like a week where I was really great and thought shit was starting to get better again and now I’m back to freaking out.

Now I’m going to ramble about something weird:

I seriously wonder if I have OCD, not major but like borderline, I dunno I always double check doors, stoves, faucets and such, and I get a bit weird when I clean, but I also don’t clean often so I’m pretty sure its just in my head.

Which leads me to wonder: What if I’m just a hypochondriac. I’m always convinced I have every sort of mental/physical illness out there which is highly illogical but isn’t it ironic to be paranoid about believing I’m a hypochondriac when I’m not???

I should probably see a shrink. But I’m too scared to go outside. Irony.

*sighs* I think I’m a basket case regardless.

I also am starting to become concerned over whether or not I’m basic mainly because of how much I love target. It’s magical. But then I also really don’t care because it is magical and I do need that candle, and that lamp, and those curtains, and that makeup. Yes. Yes I do. Plus they sell fucking slushies in the store, how can anybody hate on that?!?!? Yup, I officially don’t care. I love target.

I also need my roots done bad. They’re rapidly approaching cringeworthy.

ALSO: I need opinions, Josh and I are engaging in a battle over the attractiveness of Ruby Rose, or Stella from OITNB (oh god I really am basic….)

in case you still doesn’t know:

This Chick
         This Chick

He is of the um ew opinion, and I (along with the rest of, oh…um… THE UNIVERSE) am of the mindset “yes, please”

I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY HE DOESN’T GET THIS.

Pretty face, adorable hair, nice body, but butchy enough to make one feel safe and comfortable ^.^

Watching his reaction to all of the “Ruby Rose is turning me into a lesbian!!!!” tweets was really funny. Just his reaction XD

*yawns* So I can’t really think of anything else, just that it’s almost father’s day and I hope Josh likes his gifties. And that my dad has an okay day too.

I’m going to laze now BAI

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*featured image is set as such because I wanted to feature an adorable ecchi girl but didn’t want to terrify anyone too badly*

Wasabi peas are delicious

*Deep Sighs followed by a dramatic couch flop*

I am back from finishing the shopping of Father’s day for the Josh *sighs*

I’m completely and utterly drained but I think I did okay, even though I spilled slushy in my shoe >.<

I think part of the social anxieties is that I get worn out from stuff like that a lot faster. Even though I only made three stops I’m all stressed out and exhausted. And there’s still a mountain of housework to be done that I highly doubt I will actually accomplish in theeeee 15-20 minutes before Josh is *supposed* to be home. Although, if he comes back at a normal time I will actually probably have most of it finished.

I feel bad for him, he had a migraine and was throwing up all yesterday. :/ And I was depressed and couldn’t help and felt like an ass ’cause I made him worry about me. Just yea, yesterday was bad.

In other weekend news, Josh’s mum finally saw his tattoo. Apparently she sobbed the whole trip home from my brother-in-laws but says that she forgives him and his praying for him. *sighs* I don’t hate her, but she’s nuts. Like complete stereotypical religious nutcase. Usually I don’t care because she keeps her opinions of me to herself now, but I feel bad for Josh because he’s going to get endless grief every time we see them for the next eternity. Which will be more obvious and irritating because I’ll probably get my tattoo before the end of the year and they’ll say nothingggggg.

My parents will say I’m just doing it to spite them and it’s a phase I’ll grow out of soon.

Because my entire life revolves around disappointing and pissing them off.

ANYWAYSSSSS

I made myself an instagram account. Although, I have no idea how to use it and have only added one photo. Mostly it’s just so I can stalk my sister without bugging Josh and stealing his phone to use his app to find her account. But I followed or added or whatever my friend Lissa who’s probably in shock because I finally did something normal.

But Yea, hopefully Josh will like what I got him, and I have a little left over so I think we’ll be able to order take out for dinner, or actually go out. Or just deliver baklava. Mostly I hope he opts for baklava, because that’s always the best option.

I also have my dad’s fathers day present mostly done. I got him a tiny bismuth crystal, which is basically just a pretty colored, cool shaped rock. and a tiny container of Gallium which is a metal that’s supposed to melt in your hand. (He’s a major geek so he should think they’re even cooler than I did.) But I’m debating getting him a tie. Because that’s the only thing he actually said he wanted and I know that nobody in my family ever listens to fucking lists. They go on and on until you write out a nice, organized list of what you want, that you even bothered to categorize according to price and how much you wanted it, and then completely ignore it to buy you a bunch of shit you didn’t want because “they wanted it to be a surpriseeeeeee” (*ahem* Experienced in this department, I am.) So I might buy a tie maybe. *giggles* get him one of the ultra skinny pencil ties XD in orange. God. My brain. I’m sorry you don’t know my father so you don’t understand why this is so funny. *giggles and snorts* Picture a tiny D&D obsessed nerd that got old and tries to look like an intimidating grumpy old man but fails miserably. That’s my dad. So he needs an orange pencil tie. Because it’s perfect. I feel like an idiot trying to explain why I’m not completely insane even though I’m completely insane.

NEW TOPIC: THE CRABBY OLD GAY GUY MANAGER AT HOT TOPIC DIDN’T GLARE AT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And he remembered I have their discounty-card. I feel accomplished, I got a forced smile and complete sentences. Usually he just glares and looks like he’s sucking on lemons while simultaneously being poked by a very large, very sharp stick up his ass. I don’t take it personally, I’m pretty sure he just hates his life. But knowing that he’s physically capable of not glaring is both surprising and impressive.

Also: I’m pretty sure people were harassing me about my hair. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt but the mean snicker of the wife before the monotone “nice hair, snorts” was kind of not leaving much room for doubt. *sighs* Why can’t people keep their asshole-ishness to themselves like I do? I’m not actually asking you to be nice, just silently douchey. Whatever, fuck ’em. Both him and his wife were ugly rednecks anyway.

*sighs* I feel less stressed out now so I’m going to start on laundry and ramble at you peoples later.

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First picture that I instagramed(?) Next stop: teaching myself the art of the hashtag.

Another Liebster????

I FEEL SO SPECIAL!!!! Was tagged by Samm

So you probably know how this goes by now:

11 Random Facts:

Trying not to do repeats but probably will anywayssss:

1. When I was really little I thought there were only four types of music: Country, Christian, Classic Rock, and Pop because that’s all my parents ever played so I didn’t start liking music until I was about 14 and realized that good music existed (I do like classic rock still though…)

2. I’m allergic to Virginia. Mostly pollen and mold, but I swear to God it’s Virginia.

3. I really like septum/cheek piercings but I don’t think either would be flattering on me.

4. I get really nauseous and feel sick when I see other peoples blood/injuries but am completely unphased by my own

5. My cat is turning me into a cat person, despite the fact that when I was younger (until about last year) I absolutely hated them (except mine…)

6. I am utterly incapable of rolling my r’s, which is why I will never learn spanish.

7. I’ve always loved owls, even back when I was little and people thought it was a creepy, weird, old lady obsession.

8. I don’t have an instagram and find the concept of it thoroughly confusing… Old and irrelevant at 18…..

9. I still don’t have my Highschool Diploma, despite the fact that I graduated, because my parents never bothered to buy/make one.

10. I’ve been weirdly obsessed with the concept of death my entire life; when I was in kindergarten my parents got several notes about me drawing the angel of death and blood everywhere.

11. In the same sort of genre I’ve been obsessed with vampires since I was about six or seven and desperately wished that I had been born as dracula’s daughter/super rich vampire princess…. I was am a weird-ass little kid XD

Samm’s questions:

1. What movie would you want to watch over and over, forever? What movie would you want to live in?

I could probably watch Sweeny Todd over and over again, that or Lord of the Rings. To live innnn OH Coraline Definitely  Cx I liked that one a lot and it would be fun to live in a world where everything looked cool like that.

2. Who (dead or alive, famous or not, fictional, whatever) would you want to be your best friend and why?

Oh this is gunna sound soooo cheesy but Rosemarie Hathaway from Vampire Academy (the books not the awesomely horrible movie.) She was funny, sarcastic, impulsive, super loyal, and she just seemed like someone easy to be friends with.

3. If you could only wear one color for the rest of your life, and your favorite color not being an option, what would it be?

My favorite color being black I’m totally cheating and taking the next best option which is Gray. or Grey. Whatever. Because there are so many different shades (some of which look black) and I feel like it’d be easy to co-ordinate and match with it, plus it’s a bangin’ color.

4. Favorite type of weather?

In the late summer/early fall when it’s a light cool rain that just feels nice and makes everything look brighter and more alive.

5.  What are some of your aspirations in life?

Being a world famous youtuber XD (not cereal!) but cereal: I do hope one day my youtube turns into a small something, that and being a skinny, boobalicious mother of two/ alternative-gothy model for obscure clothing lines ^.^ oh and a vampire! XD

6. What gives you the most confidence?

Hmm right now, it’s seeing how far I’ve come and how far I have to go in life, how happy I already am, and physically? a good push-up bra and my bootiful hairs ^.^

7. Favorite way to spend the day?

binge-watching an exciting anime with Josh and a mountain of junkfood 😀 (maybe if we find another video game I don’t suck at it’d be playing that)

8. Favorite song? Most recent addition to your music (newest artist/band you’ve found)? This is evil -.- you should know better Samm! there is no one favorite song!!!! But right now I’ve been loving All Signs Point To Lauderdale and Castle Down (ADTR & Emilie Autumn) Newest is alot easier it’s Matt and Kim, (I like Hoodie On ^.^) I’m not obsessed with them, but for being a really pop-y band I like them a lot Cx

9. Post a picture that you feel pretty in. :3

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being lazy and doing one I already shared, but I really like the way my skin, and okay this is super weird, my neck looks in it o.o

10. Given the chance (and permission from creature!), would you explore the home of some supernatural creature? Interview him/her?

Um duh!, I’d totally be down to do an interview with a vampire ;D (anybody see what I did there????, I’m so hilarious XD )

11. Haaiiiiii! 😀 

最近どう (saikin dō, what’s up?) Because I have to be a smart-ass XD

ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS IF YOU FEEL LIKE IT ANYBODY

I DEFINITELY THINK YOU SHOULD ALL POST A PICTURE YOU FEEL PRETTY/BEAUTIFUL/HANDSOME/MAJESTIC IN BECAUSE IT’S GOOD FOR PEOPLE TO FEEL PRETTY SOMETIMES.

I ALSO LIKE CAPS LOCK BECAUSE IT’S INTERNET YELLING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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PS Smidge is being cuter today!

Oh Dear o.o

I went and did my hair. O.O

Well… I went and got it done. It’s red now. o.o So so red. I LOVES it Cx

It took between 4-5 hours all told, which was kind of excruciating because I’m so gosh darn twitchy. But I lovesssss

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Before comparisons: Dark-brown with faded black dye all on the bottom

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Looking like a sexy alien and seeing myself with blonde hair for the first time in my entire life

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Natural vs Artificical lighting

I’m all twitter-pated Cx

So now I shall launch into a lengthy long-winded play through of what exactly happened:

Yesterday afternoon I was super depressed and Josh in an effort to cheer me up told me to go dye my hair because I’ve been wanting to for all eternities. So I go, and I wait a few minutes because I just walked in, and then the super nice gay guy says essentially oh shit, I loveee doing red hair, but we stopped doing colors an hour ago. Pretty please come back and let me do it tomorrow? So I got home and Josh was like well, ask my mum if she can baby sit. And she could.

So I woke up way too goddamn early (about 8) And left the smidget with my mother in law and got to the salon place at about 10:30ish

2 separate bleach jobs, 1 or 2 hair treatments (I was tired and kindof spaced out during that part), red dyes, and a hair cut later I left at 3:30ish.

So so long but I’m so happy Cx I love the color and the cut and somehow he managed not to fry it all off with the amount of bleach needed to go from black to blonde. (He did manage to get me on the shampoo/conditioner upsale though. *sighs* cheap person failure.)

So then I come home and not only is the mother in law not upset about me ditching her with my kid for 5ish hours, she cleaned my house. Well, the kitchen and smidgets bathroom. And she cycled the laundry. The only thing I can possibly think of to complain about right now is that she folded my underwear. Which, as far as complaints go, is so totally minor it doesn’t count.

Then I go Oh shit! my homework is due in two-hours and it’s about three hours worth of work, only to log into blackboard and realize: I skipped spring break. I’m actually about a week ahead in classes right now.

O.o I think the universe has decided to dump all of the goodluck it’s withheld for the past 18 years on me in one day. Seriously. This shits freaking crazy. I could jump up and down and squeal like a little girl…

Dare I say it….I think…..I might be feeling princess-y o.o Yes. Yes I am. I believe its the combination of new-hair style bliss and dishwasher that I didn’t have to loadness.

I just can’t wait to mess with it myself tomorrow, I don’t know why but hair peoples never style it the way you want (is that just me?) so I have a perfect cut and colors but I’m mad ’cause I can’t fidget with it the way I want. Grrrr…. Oh well.. Something to look forward to tomorrow as well. Cx Plus: No anxiety/depursions today! I mean the days not over yet, but it almost is and I’ve been really happy and relaxed all damn day. 😀

So fucking happy. Well, now I’m off to drink tea, munch cookies, and watch youtube. Or do whatever it is that princess-y people do when they’re feeling splendid.

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I was all happy because one of the other hair dressers basically said I’d look make a bad-ass tattooed little mermaid if I hads tattoos and fins.

Hello!

I still exist. Maybe. I mean…. I think so? I don’t really know….

Anywhoreee I haven’t been posting much lately becauseeee I don’t really have anything to say right now? I mean… Since the smidget turned 1 and Josh is home I’ve just been chillin’s

So I’m just being a tired lazy lump. But I have decided, just now, That I shall continue the stretchering of meh earholes! I haven’t decided on a new cut-off point yet though… I know for positive that 2 inches is wayyy too big. For me at least. I’m thinking somewhere between 3/4 and 1 inch. But that’s just a roughestimationioal. Maybe bigger, maybe smaller. But I do know for certain that I’m going to wait until I stretch mah second holes a bit more firstest. right now they still look a bit disproportionate (imo) to my bottom holes. So I wanna get them to a 4 or a 2 gauge and then I’ll start doin my bottoms again.

But I am concerned because soon I’ll have to start taping them. Which I don’t know much about. Apparently you just get a pair of steel plugs and wrap a bit of (some special type of) tape around at a time until you gradually go up a size, instead of jumping sizes at once. Because it’s too much of a change for your ear to handle I guess. I will look into it more before I actually start doing this though.

Right now Josh is sleeping because he got a call at 3:15 this morning saying he had to go do more work shit. And then he didn’t come home until like 10:50. Not verreh good. I worry about him but I think I’ll just make sure he does lots of laying around and video games instead of trying to run errands all over the universe.

Although we are supposed to go to my ‘rents this weekend because extended famileh came down to celebrate birthdays. We have like six family birthdays in march. It’s fucking crazy. The smidge was supposed to be born on my mums bday. I’m extremely kindof glad she wasn’t though.

Well. I am going to go now. I need to look up monies related shit online, because there are a few things that need to be accomplished today. (before I get stranded cashless again for a month >.<) But that’s all I’ve got to say now anyways.

Bai!

Mehhh O.O

So I’ve been all busiful, and have probably not been replying to comments in a prompt manner of posting much lately. But let me see…. Last post was thursdayy. Since then, I went to the Dr, Josh came home, I started anti-depressants, celebrated Smidgets 1st birthday(the actual bday is tomorrow, holy fuck, I just got really old.) And am now yet again doing weeks worth of homework three hours before it’s do. (actually, about half a week and I’m done with one class I’m just taking a break before I finish up.)

So to start at the beginning:

Dr’s visit wasssss I don’t know. Not nearly as scary as I thought it would be, but depressing in it’s own way. My Dr was really nice, totally believed me with the symptoms, and offered helpful suggestions for ways to get out of the house as well as a prescription for a low-dose anti-depressant. As far as getting out of the house, she was being nice but I don’t really want to get away from smidgey, she makes me happy. And she’s small enough that when I want to go somewhere I just take her with me.

But it was depressing because I had every single symptom on the check-list (You know how they ask you if you have a cough or a runny nose when you go in for a regular visit? They have one of those for depressed people apparently) So yes, my low mood is interfering with my daily life, I think about killing/hurting myself on a daily basis, I have a continual pervasive low mood, and difficulty enjoying things that make me happy. But what was really weird is some stuff that I just assumed was normal. Like low self-worth, low self-esteem, and negative body image? I mean. I’ve been operating under the impression that that’s something everyone feels all the time, my entire life. Is that weird? Like some people actually like themselves? O.o MY WHOLE LIFE IS A LIEEEEEEEEEEE Dammit. But now that I think about it…. most of my negative self-image and stuff does typically tie into my being depressed. And on days that I don’t want to die because I feel like a worthless waste of oxygen I’m actually fairly confident…

Anywayyyy Yea, so after I went and filled my new perscription Josh came home and we’ve been attacking each other like bunnies pretty much ever since (I care not, if I offend you with my lewd display of TMI-ness) which has been super awesome because month-long dry spells suck ass. Plus you know, my bff is back and we can talk and cuddle and I’ve been watching him play Infamous, Second Son which is hellaaaaaaa (forgive me for that, I know it was painful for me to even type) awesome. Like if I didn’t suck ass at video games I would play it 24/7. And I’m going to try to get him to whisper challenge with me soon, but we have a lot of shit we need to accomplish so it might be another longish while before I get it all done.

And I survived a social event that took place in my home! with both my in-laws and my family! And I’m not dead! It was kindof funny because I could tell that Josh and my dad were both keeping an eye on me to see if I was about to freak out, they’re pretty much the only ones who understand how much I hate anything social. And the lengths I go to to avoid social shit. *sighs*

As far as the meds go though, they’re supposed to take about two weeks to really feel a difference. I do believe I’m reaping the benefits of the placebo effect though. So I’m pretending that it’s that. Plus Josh is home, so whether their working or not I feel a lot better. Although the first two days I was really hormoney. I think it was the combination of the new substances being introduced to my head plus again the sex-life thing going back from zero to sixty, which brings its own feel-goody chemicals into play. So yea *nods* Doin better, at least for now. As far as side effects that I’ve noticed, Sleepy. So so fucking sleepy. Which is supposed to go away in about another day or two, and I can already tell it’s easing up today. Umm no weight gain (one of my two major concerns/reasons I avoided going to the dr for so long) actually.. if anything I’m losing a bit which I’ll have to be careful about because I’m hitting the bottom of where I like to stay. The other major side effect I was worried about was it killing my sex-drive, but that hasn’t been an issue (thank godddd Smidge did enough damage to my libido, if I get much less horny I’ll freaking die.) Um no suicidally thoughts (okay well, a decrease from what they were before.) Oh yea I think I saw this one listed on the mile long paper of stuff I should know/side effects/this may or may not kill you; It’s freaking hard to pee. It sounds really dumb and is totally livable and everything, but I have to like sit there for five minutes before I can actually go. *shrugs* I have no idea.

And as far as side effects that’s pretty much it. Alcohol makes me even more sleepy, but A.) I’m not supposed to be drinking at all B.) I’m not supposed to be drinking on these meds (not much, not even enough to count as tipsy, just enough to take the edge off of the whole people in my house, hugging me, nerves) and C.) I seem to be a sleepy, cuddly drunk anyway. I mean, I’ve only ever been that inebriated once or twice, but even when I’m tipsy all I want to do is cuddle and nap, so being sleepier on the occasions that I do decide to have a few drinks isn’t really that big of a deal to me.

Anyway sorry this got long, I have to finish my homeworks before Josh comes home. (I ACED MY FUCKING MIDTERMSSSSSSS) BAI

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Does This Make Me Crazy?

Okay….so I’m about to make myself sound like a complete headcase right now. But do other people have moments when they’re listening to music and they just want to scream? Not from sheer awesomeness of music or being swept up in a song, but if you hear the first few notes of a song and it just makes you want to rip your hair out and scream at the top of your lungs until you physically can’t anymore? No… I’m not talking about Taylor Swift (that’s a totally sane and rational response to that shit) I mean like I’ll just be listening to music and a new song will come on, or even a different part of the same one, and it just resonates in such a way that I feel like I need to scream and sometimes throw things. No? It’s just me? Okay then…. I kindof figured.

I don’t know… this actually seems to happen more with music that I like…

*I’m about to sound like a spiritualist voodoo hippy*

I think it’s because of the power and energy in music. I mean, I believe that the more power you believe something has, the more power it’ll have over you. That’s why that “I’m a badass goth kid” in a pentagram shirt probably isn’t a real satanist, and is probably an atheist or at most agnostic, and why some people are more impacted by certain things. Like I believe music is really really powerful. I believe that the emotions felt when a song was written and created can be profoundly felt by the people listening to it. Maybe that’s why I react more to some artists than I do others… Like for example: Pink Floyd, I completely and totally adore their music, It’s just breathtakingly amazing, but I can’t listen to them for more than a few minutes at a time. I remember one time I listened to the whole The Dark Side Of The Moon and I seriously almost killed myself. I think the reason it doesn’t bother other people is because they don’t believe it can. But I value my ability to feel things, and I feel like if you listen to music without letting it move you, you’re missing the whole point. I just happen to listen to a lot of music that moves my brain to dark places. Thus, wanting to scream.

What brought on this awkward morbid rambling? I was on youtube (shock and horror) and I felt like listening to music (shock and horror) I feel the need to briefly explain this first so it makes slightly more sense:

I’ve loved classic rock pretty much before I even knew what music was, It’s just what my parents agreed on in the car/house and it’s the only music my mum ever listens to that doesn’t make me cringe. However, I don’t like saying I’m a fan, or buying shirts or merch of these bands because since I always heard it on the radio, I never knew who sung what. So I pretty much just knew Queen and Bon Jovi. But I know that I like a lot more than that, and wanted to start clarifying who sings what so I can buy retro hipster tee’s without feeling like one of those typical “oh em geezus I’m so hipster in my nirvana shirt, wait who’s kurt cobain????” yea one of those douchebags

. *So continuing my explanation* I cued up the (you guessed it) Nirvana playlist, and to my surprise not only is the very first song one of my long time loves (Lithium, shocking, but now I know what it’s called.) but it’s also one of those makes me want to scream and throw myself into a wall sort of moments. Which I guess it makes sense that the man who wrote beautiful lyrics and killed himself made me *ze person with depressions and suicidal thoughts* feel, shall we say, triggered.

It just bothers me because this is a very common occurrence with me. And it’s not exactly specific songs either, or I’d just avoid those. Like one day a song will make me want to scream, and the next time I hear it, it’ll make me want to dance and sing. Some artists have music that I generally find more triggering, but in general it’s just so so random *dramatic sighs of frustration* So am I the only one that loves listening to music that makes me want to die?

But hey, at least now I can honestly say I’ve been a die-hard Nirvana fan since I was like six.

*Next Stop Courtney Love and Depeche Mode* (actually if you happen to be a fan of that sort of thing and know the names of classic rock-y alternative music, let me know because I probably like it, I just don’t know what it’s called.)

Girl-With-Nirvana-Shirt-Doesnt-Know-Who-Kurt-Cobain-Is

This Person, I do not want to ever be this person.