Category Archives: Awkward Shit

Resolutions? I’m bad at being on time

So it’s January which means that everyone on the damn planet is going on about the new year, new me bullshit which I don’t really buy.

But for the sake of conforming I will tell you what my personal goals for this year are, and you will pretend to care for five minutes.

  1. I want to keep up with the Q&A journal Josh got me. Basically it asks you a question everyday and it’s got enough space for 5 years, so you see how your answers differ year to year. I think its cool because I suck at journaling and it’s something short and quick I can do in the morning.
  2. I want to talk to people more. I always wonder why I don’t have many friends but then I stay inside watching anime all day and never trying to talk to anyone.
  3. ¬†I want to exercise more (can’t believe I’m actually saying that *looks down at rapidly growing tummy* ….wait yes, yes I can >.<) , meditate more, and try to start doing yoga again..

These aren’t just random things I thought up to sound cool, I never sound cool, but I have noticed that I generally feel better when I express myself, force myself out of my comfort zone, and try to move my lazy ass. It helps me feel a bit less depressed and a bit more energetic, so I’m going to give this shit a shot I suppose.

Happy late New Years, how did yours go? Mine sucked dick and ended up with me spending an hour crying myself to sleep in a bathtub when I wasn’t even drunk! ūüėÄ

Cheerios losers I’m off to watch youtube ‚̧

-Sissy

Well…. This is interesting I suppose…

I don’t think I linked that one in.

So yea, you’re used to me disappearing by now, but this week has been by far the most interesting. If you recall a few posts ago I mentioned I had some personal shit, I now feel up to sharing.

Josh has an almost-girlfriend. No it’s not a cheaty-douche-bag thing. It’s more of a cross between open-marriage and polyamory. Which I’m not supposed to actually say out loud because she’s just as weirded out by this situation as we are.

She’s actually pretty awesome. Whenever Josh and I had discussed poly shit and unicorn huntings before we always sort-of laughed and brushed it off because who the hell around here would be weird enough to fit with us???? Yea, that’d be her I guess. We get along pretty well which is good, and she seems to be making Josh happier which is kind of the whole reason I wanted to try this in the first place.

Plus, I’ve now had physical confirmation of the fact that I’m not bicurious, but actually legitimately bi *coughs* That’s me trying to politely say we hads the threesomes and I enjoyed….. ‘s funny though because I’m probably the “gayest” out of the three of us…

Chick has more self-image/esteem issues than I do. Which I think is funny ’cause her boobs are nicer.

Anyway, you probably don’t want to know much more about my sex-life (or do you? because I can go there if you’d like XD)

So other shit that happened:

I got my labret pierced. It looks like this

My belly button pierced. It looks like this

(yes, I got a “lower-navel” piercing, I think it looks a wee bit cooler.)

And this tattoo

I'm now a badass tattood babe XD #firsttattoo #first #tattoo #projectsemicolon

A post shared by Sissy (@broken.wings.fragile.things) on

Which as far as first tattoos go, is pretty basic, but at least it gave me a feel for what to expect when I get my ribs done soon, except like it’ll be a million times worse. That actually didn’t hurt until he went back over and put more black in one spot. Jesus fuck though, Now I have a small tattoo with a deep personal meaning >.< Shit, I’m one of those people. download (1)

But I do think project semicolon is pretty cool. Depression/mental-health awareness are really important to me so I love it even if it isn’t super original.

Also, my tongue is almost split and you need to read two boys kissing.

And as soon as I finish my deep conditioner I’m turning my head blue.

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So yup. Life.

THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING GODDAMN IT I HATE TITLE BLOCKETS

*ahem* so that was filmed today.

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This is my lovely new dress, but of course me being a midget it sits just under the knee in what I feel is a much more adorable fashion. I was upset because they didn’t have a small and the medium was just a scosh too big, but when I read the label and saw the cotton, don’t drier machine it warning I was happy and dried it and shrunkeded to just the absolute perfect size Cx

Also I’m still not feeling up to talking about my personal situation of weirdness yet, but I am happy and feeling a bit more comfortable with it now that it seems like things are settling down a little.

Also, this is going to seem very stupid and trivial but Josh said something last night that meant a lot to me. He basically told me he was going to stop “telling” me what to wear. I use the word telling incredibly loosely, I just couldn’t think of a better word. See, because we grew up in the conservative christian way that we did, He was kindof uncomfortable with some of the more unusual shit I like to wear, and since I cared about his feelings and appreciated the fact that he didn’t actually try to tell me what to wear or not to wear, I’d usually just change into shit that was more normal, because compromising and being considerate and all of that.

So yesterday, he was like yea, um sorry I always try to tell you what not to wear and shit, I want you to dress the way you want because you seem the most comfortable and confident when you do, and that’s most important to me. And that made me happy. But he shall soon be regretting it because my love of fishnets and all things mis-matched and neon shall soon come out to play *insert villainous smile and creepy palm-rubbing here*

Also, I’m frustrated because he’s been sent to fucking Roanoke to work on a derailment (read that as, I won’t be seeing him for at least a week, probably longer) I’m hoping he’ll be back in time for my birthday (he requested the day off because it’s a friday.) But after the last “only a few days” trip I’m not exactly counting on it >.< If that’s a case I’ll just harass someone to watch my kid while I get my nails done and buy frivolous things that I don’t need, but I’d much rather spend the day with him. *sighs* Time shall tells. In the mean time I’m going to booker my lil heart out and internet till my eyes bleed.

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Also this picture really made me smile because I fucking hate seeing shit like that online that’s thinly veiled pro-ana teaching young girls who don’t know any better how to starve themselves and ruin their lives. It’s disgusting and as someone who struggles with this shit, it fucking hurts.

*cue full-fledged feminist rant, if you’re not into that stop reading.*

When I see pictures like that, the first thing that pops into my head is, wow they’re pretty. Which is fucked up because they’re almost always underweight girls sucking their barely existent stomachs in. (not badmouthing girls that are naturally thin, just stop insisting everyone look like that.)

Second off once you actually read the bullshit they’re saying, it’s flat out crazy. Last time I checked, everyone had hipbones. It’s basic anatomy. Unless you have some genetic condition and were born with half a torso, you have hipbones. Also, curvy girls have nice hips too! Seriously, they’re still there, just as visible, they just have more of a curve to them which I personally like better anyway.

Not everyone is physically capable of having a thigh-gap. It’s a genetic thing, not a weight thing. It depends entirely on the angle of your pelvis, and how wide your hips are. I happen to have one, does it grant me wishes or make me extra special? no. It’s mildly convenient in the heat because my legs don’t rub together as much. Also, to sort of further illustrate that it’s not a weight thing, I still had it when I was pregnant and 40 pounds heavier. IT DOESNT MATTER HOW MUCH YOU WEIGH. (plus in that photo you can tell she doesn’t actually have one, it’s all in the posing and they’re very easy to fake.)

Again, EVERYONE HAS COLLARBONES. Seriously wtf?!?!?!? Again, the way the picture is obviously posed, they’re jutting out five times more than they naturally sit. If you’re a healthy weight, I promise you have beautiful collarbones. (if you’re a bit overweight, I promise you have gorgeous boobies and hips that make up for slightly less prominent collar bones ^.^<3)

And the last picture of the flat stomach that again, is obviously being sucked in? WOMEN WEREN’T BUILT TO HAVE FLAT TUMMIES!!!!!!!!!!!!! All women are designed so that natural healthy body fat is more likely to sit around your stomach. It’s a fertility thing, a hormonal thing, the only way that’s going to not be there is if you are extremely naturally thin, or are starving yourself. Plus, Josh has mentioned on numerous occasions that he loves my tummy curves. (and he doesn’t generally like heavier women either. it’s about curves people.)

Seriously. Rock the body you’re built with because honestly most guys would rather have someone with curves than someone with a weight complex. And I guarantee that whatever body type you have, there’s a big selection of people of your preferred gender that are especially, specifically, into that.

God that shit pisses me off so much >.< Sorry I ranted. I’ll go now.

DID I JUST POST ON A MONDAY (WITHOUT BITCHING ABOUT MONDAYS?!?!?!?!?)

So Today.

Shit’s happening.

Except not really because Smoodge is still asleep and I’ve accomplished nothinggggggg. Except I ate a very yummiful breakfast (veggie burger)

In keeping with usuals I don’t really have a point to this so prepare to be updated on the random shit bouncing aroung my nearly empty skull ^.^

This weekend, I binged. I binged long and hard. I ate approximately six donuts in 18 hours, I had two huge plates of pepper-jack covered arby’s fries, I ate cookie bars at the moother-in-laws, two huge helpings of strawberry shortcake at my moother’s as well as a huge ass monster, a sangria slushy from taco bell (praise be to the theoretically meat-based calorie gods, even if I’m boycotting theoretically meat-based products) as well as a huge-ass assortment of regular shit that I usually eat. For me this is a huge deal, because I’ve been eating so many vegetables and healthish foods for so long that the level of binging I achieved was physically painful. Seriously, I spent several hours this weekend in a ball on the couch moaning about how retarded I am. Just ask Josh. Plus, even though I didn’t gain much in the weight department I was supremely, disturbingly, bloated. I could’ve passed for a pregnant person because my tummy was just puffing out so much. Ugh. I’ve remembered why I don’t buy donuts. Also, I’ve had a very upset tummy and have had more bowel movements in this one morning than I usually do in about three days. (You should be used to my TMI’s now, there shall be no apologies.) So that’s also unpleasant. But at least I don’t look like I scarfed a soccer ball anymore.

Hmmmm other newsssss I’m an idiot and took off my bandaid at my parents house trying to show off my sparklies, and long story short their bandaids turned my skin into a fiery ball of holy-fuck-it-burns. So I’m leaving my stabbings open to air for the rest of today, even though I’m not supposed to.

I need to do laundry, start dishes, and generally try to subdue the typical weekend chaos.

I ran out of my makeup setting spray and am going to have to make a fucking trip to Ulta, because otherwise my cheap drugstore makeup won’t stay on for shittttt. Which sucks because I hate driving, and as much as I love makeup, I don’t love those stores. They’re cool but they kind of freak me out.

I should go wake up smidge because it’s 11 and she’s still asleep.

The mystery package Josh got me should be arriving today and I’m mad because I’m not allowed to open it till he comes home because he wants to see my reaction and if I actually like the clothes he picked for me or not. (I probably will, he’s surprisingly good at understanding my style and finding things I like.) But at the same time if I don’t like something I’m not one to lie and say I love it, I’ll tell him if I don’t because, honesty. And that way people know for the future and are more likely to do a better job next time they buy you a shit. I feel bad when I hurt peoples feelings, but I’d rather tell you my honest opinions. You know? That got random…. but CLOTHES.

I’m happy because all of my orders should be coming soon, I bought myself some colour pop to try and a Jeffree Star lipstick (Weirdo, thanks for asking, (it’s the black one.))

SO I’M SO HAPPEH.

And I’m mad because my laptop isn’t scrolling right. I have the windows 8 with the touchy pad so when you use both fingers it’s supposed to scroll you up or down and I’m fucking irritated because it’s not scrolling and I have to use buttons again. -.- *high maintenance*

It’s funny because my sister wants her belly button pierced for her 16th birthday. And her boyfriend flown out from California. (So, absolute west coast, to absolute east coast. She does not understand the concept of money at all.) When I was sixteen I got a pair of Chuck Taylor’s and had a hormonal meltdown on Josh because I hated everything about life. I still hate most things about life, I just have a more positive outlook on everything that doesn’t involve interacting with humans.

I need to see if my favorite library has an ATM or a credit reader yet. I’m dying to go back but I have an embarrassing amount of fines and no cash…. I’m also a library snob who doesn’t like going to the one that’s literally five minutes away because they’re books are shittier than my baby library’s.

Maybe I could go to ulta’s get cash back and thennnnn go to my library….. No. Too much human. God.

I think my social anxieties might be getting worse. I don’t know what my problem is, but I avoid leaving the house without Josh at all costs. I’m usually okay if he’s there but just the thought of going out alone makes my chest tight, I get sweaty and itchy and hyper-ventilatey, and I don’t know.. As embarrassing as it is I just can’t. I freeze. I’m the same way about making phone calls. I think that’s part of the reason I like the internet, because I can see that there are other people out there like me that are just to scared go out by themselves.

But anyway, this is long and the kid is up so I’m going to take care of her and then maybe I’ll put on my big girl panties and go buy myself my makeup….

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This made me smile.

You Know What Fuck IT I LIED!!!!!

I’ll keep linking thursday video’s as long as I goddamn want to! Hopefully that link will work, It’s not done uploading yet. But really it’s just the easiest way to sum up the day I’ve had. Plus a bunch of people told me they like my videos so if you don’t then NYAHHH you can just go suck a rattlesnake penis. *shrugs* maybe a cobra if that’s what you’re more into.

I will say one thing.

I’ve purchased a red lipstick. Well to be technically accurate Josh said he wanted me to buy some makeupies for myself while we were grocery shopping so I threw it in the cart and he payed for it….

And I LOVE IT! Words can not describe the adoration I feel for this color! I like it enough to bother re-applying it after I’m done kissing the smidglet! (Bonus: She gets bright red kissy lips all over her tiny baby face!)

It brings out my inner badass XD

But seriously, I had no idea a color could be such a confidence boost!

Like,

With red lips,

I could actually go outside.

I can talk to people on the phone.

I CAN ALMOST MAINTAIN EYE CONTACT

I’m Invincible ^.^

*Strikes wonder woman pose complete with blanket cape, wait did she have a cape? I honestly never liked her so I can’t remember* Oh god….

But Yes. I feel quite sassehhh

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Look, I even selfied! That’s how wretchedly confident I feel right now!

Ah well I’m done for now, I shall speak at ye later. Bai

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Ps. Sam I sawed that nomnomination and shall get around to it post-soonish!

It Happened!

I finally got around to making that whisper challenge video (Look I actually linked it all pretty like instead of being a lazy asshole! :D)

But: More importantly, I had the “oh god I’m stupid”-est epiphany ever. I only wash my hair once a week, so why the fuck am I taking cold showers if I can just pin it out of the way and take a hot shower and keep my hair dry????? God I’m stupid…..

Also in hair news. The stain has now not only conquered my pillow, but it is now also leeching onto Josh’s pillow and my side of the blanket. I believe this may provide a fairly accurate commentary on who hogs the bed, but I will neither confirm nor deny.

In other interesting news, yesterday Josh handcuffed me in the bathroom (it’s a handicapped apartment unit so the guest bathroom has a lot of hand rails and things) and thought it would be hilarious to squirt saline all over me. It was only mostly funny.

In not-really-interesting-but-I’m-going-to-talk-about-it-anyway news: I’m considering drastically modifying my diet. Josh and I talked last night and we both want to be healthier. He was more focused on the exercising aspect and I, with my perfectly¬†natural aversion to sweat, was more focused on the diet aspect. So we bought him some exercising type clothes, and a shit load of healthy-people food. Featuring things like fresh vegetables (which I actually love) and tofu (which I’ve never had done well.) as well as some of those morning-star faux meat healthy people patties. (which I like some types of, and loathe others.)

But this, along with a highly irrelevant story that will never make sense anywhere but inside my head, sort of have me considering…Taking this a step further….Oh god, even typing this is making me cringe, and maybe…..

Going vegetarian? Oh god why…..

I mean, the thought has crossed my mind on occasion, more as a fleeting thought that causes a good laugh.

But I mean….. It’d be a lot healthier. I’d feel better, and look better, and I don’t know, I mean, I love steak but I don’t like the idea of animal slaughter.

But here’s my real issue: Would I just be doing it because it’s a “cool” thing right now? I mean, all the Peta nazi’s and some of the youtuber’s I like doing vegan food hauls and healthy vegetarian meals are forming a sort of peer pressure on everyone else…

But alternatively, am I really going to not make a healthy choice that would probably benefit me in the long run because of my deep-seated desire to boycott most things main-stream, popular, and cool?

So that’s what’s bouncing around in my head.

Right now my arguments sort of look like this:

Pro Vegetables:

Healthier foods,

Feeling better,

Being leaner,

Theoretically affecting my body, and *ahem* feminine odor (It’s not bad! It’s just….average I guess? Idk o//////o) in a positive way.

Plus you know…. Not murdering bambi and all that (I do so love venison…)

Pro Normal People Food:

It’s a lot cheaper

It’s easier to plan meals

I fucking love steak…

I can’t even begin to imagine the suckage that would be fast food without my sub-grade meat products….

So I have no freaking clue. I mean is there some delightful middle-ground where I can eat like significantly less meats? I mean I know there’s that pescaterian only eating fish whatever but I don’t likeeee fish. Unless it’s sushi…

Right now I’m not making any big decisions regarding this. But I have been cutting down on the amount of meat I’ve been eating. Just because I don’t really like ground beef unless it’s a burger, and I never get to eat steak anyway because it’s expensive and Josh doesn’t like it, And so the most meat stuff I’ve had lately is chicken. Which is pretty crazy because I’m like the beef jerky, burger queen.

Also in my mind (related to weird random story I’m not sharing) Is why it’s okay to eat like cows, pigs, or chickens, but not sayyy cats, dogs, guinea pigs? And if you’re saying cute baby kittens are different from cows or chickens, just google baby koows and chickies and they look pretty damn cute too. Pigs I don’t really have an argument for *shrugs* if you liked Charlotte’s¬†Web?

And this is the madness that is my brain O.O

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I’m A Night Owl

So I’m just finished uploading¬†my latestest video, and I think that this will be the last Thursday video I link. I’ll keep doing them, but I’ll only link the Tuesday ones, that way I’m not irritating people who don’t want to watch me be awkward. And if you¬†do want to see both the Tuesday and the Thursday ones, you can just go and subscribe because it’s not like it’s hard and then you’ll get to see *me* twice as often =^.^= What do you think, Good idea; bad idea?!?!?

Smidgey is still acting sickish which makes me worried :/ but she ate people food today! I mean, she’s had bits and tastes of things for a long time but this was the first time she’s actually had a full meal be what I was eating. Which makes me happy C’x She had about a half a cup of chicken fried rice, which doesn’t seem like much until you remember that she’s 11 months old. But she has enough teeth and had been acting unusually¬†hungry lately so I figured I’d try something a bit heavier and the Smidget loved it. It was super cute watching her smack her lips around the rice xD

I’m also still feeling pretty shitty myself. My head has been killing me because since Josh is gone I can’t fall asleep at night and have been reverting back to my natural night-owl state. Which sucks ’cause he’s going to be back tomorrow right when I get used to staying up late again. -.- *sighs* I miss staying up late every night. I know it’s not for everyone but I actually think and feel better when I’m on a night schedule. I like how quiet everything is and listening to everyone sleep. It’s so relaxed and it’s easier to get things done. I just can’t because Smidge tends to naturally sync to Josh’s schedule and since he has to get up really early, it just makes everyone’s lives easier if I get up earlier (and by that I mean 10 instead of 12) too.

What do you think? Will you enjoy getting spammed less often? And do you prefer a night owl, or an early bird lifestyle? Because you should comment and tell me because I’m actually quite lonely with Josh all gone and Smidge all sick and babyish, plus my utter aversion to humanity….. I don’t talk to people very often.

Scrambehling O.O

I’m trying to clean the entire goddamn apartment as fast as humanly possible because I absolutely hate it when I go on a nice trip, where I¬†totally had a blast and enjoyed myself and then not only do I have to come back to reality, but I have to clean my goddamn room on top of it all. I also don’t want to have to take out the trash after the smidge’s diapers have been festering for a week. Um ew. (That’s what Josh is for….except not really, I try not to take advantage of the smexiness) So anyway doing laundry, trying to get the sheets changed, making sure smidge’s toys are contained to one tiny tornado zone instead of the entire living room.

AND on top of this I have to go find a fucking swimsuits and shorts in January!

ARJGDJFGLlASDGKHASFG QOENRU Q?EROGIYHANHG<– Venting my frustration on my poor abused keyboard

This is what I get for working my ass off (not eating for a long time) to lose all that goddamn weight. And Josh too. Fucking mister I-have-an-outdoorsy-job-so-I’m-going-to-get-all-muscley-so-you-won’t-want-to-use-me-as-a-pillow-anymore asshole. -.- naturally the smidge needs one as well. Dammit.

Smidge has fifteen minutes before I drag her ass out of crib so I can feed her and get this shit over with. It just sucks because I’m probably going to have to go into a bunch of stores that I don’t like to find some. Like Kohl’s and Macy’s and maybe even…. *shudders*¬†hollister. Ew ew ew I get nauseous even thinking about it. So much of that goddamn disgusting cologne that makes my head hurt (breathe sis breathe, you’re gunna get through this. NO I WON’T I’M GUNNA DIEEEEEE *slaps self and goes all Edna mode* Pull Yourself Together! You will go in there you will attempt to find a swimsuit with more than two square inches of cloth on it and you will get out…. Oh shit I’m having a discussion with myself again I really gotta stop this……) Um yes. So. I don’t like hollister…. *sighs* this is gunna be a longggg day.

Go in, give the message, get out. (Veggie tales was my other disney. *sighs* I know, I’m a homeschooler nerd.) Maybe if I get it over with quickly and do end up going to the mall I can stop by hot topic and reward my epic bravery with one of those super-cute disney compact mirrors *rubs hands together villainously* I’m starting to like this plan…

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Okay, I Feel A Bit Better Now.

Today I wanted to get out of the house without having to actually interact with anybody, So I did what most normal 18 year old girls do with their free time (No, actually I’m anti-starbucks.) I went to target. ^.^

And I boughted a new foundation that was recommended a lot on the internets by pale people and actually matches my skin-tone (a nearly impossible feat because I’m incredibly pale and my undertones never seem to quite match anything I’ve tried.)

I also picked up an eyelash curler because I’m pretty sure I’m the only girl on the planet over the age of 12 that wears makeup and didn’t have one. I got an eyeliner because my tube is almost out (thank you elf for making eyeliner so cheap that even I can afford it!!!)

I was going to get this really super amazing eyeshadow that I’m in love with but it was sold out.It looks like this:

Cos21l_15_pack-shot
Endless Sea. Dumbass Name, Pretty Color.

It’ll make my eyes look awesome if I can ever find it in stock when I actually have my wallet on me -.-

And some coffee beans because I’m fairly certain that I’m still physically incapable of surviving a 24 hour period without a cup of coffee.

But mostly I went to pick up a scale, because I have been actually starting to go crazy over not knowing how much I weigh. I’m serious. I thought that I was swelling up like a balloon and was starting to not eat (again), because I would rather starve myself then ever be fat again. (God, I hated being pregnant.) I thought that I had gained 10 lbs and would have to buy double digit pants soon. I was getting seriously neurotic.

As it turns out I achieved my previous goal of getting back under 120 before my vacation. I currently weigh 119.4 lbs after two helpings of dinner last night followed by a bowl of ice cream and these really yummy pasta chip things (I’m on the rag okay?!?). I also scarfed a piece of pizza for lunch and have been guzzling coffee all day. So it wasn’t one of those “I woke up two hours early to weigh myself when I’m not wearing clothes and I haven’t eaten in three days” readings. It’s what I actually weigh.

In order to stop myself from getting obsessive again, I put my shiny black new scale in the guest bathroom (the room that I go into the least often.) And it’s facing away from the mirror so I can’t do my former “staring obsessively at my fat while I verbally abuse myself over the number” thing.

I want to lose a few more pounds, but I want to do it the healthy way this time. And it’s unrealistic for me to try to weigh less then 115, just because of the way I’m built. My hips won’t let me. I’m not going to try to wonder and calculate how many pounds my hair weighs when I grow it out this time. It’s unhealthy to care that much about my weight, so while I still want to try to shed the last of my tummy pouch, I’m not going to let my weight destroy me the way it used to.

I also looked it up and found a study that shows the average weights of people in different age ranges from the 60’s to ’02.

The average weight of the american 18 year old female as of 2002 (So let’s be real, its gone up since then) is 143.5 lbs. I weigh about as much as a 14 year old girl from the late 60’s. I’m not allowed to call myself fat anymore.

But the weirdest part of all of this for me, is probably that I gave up. I had accepted the (untrue) fact that I weighed a 130 lbs and was almost okay with it. I was still happy. Which is pretty crazy for me, because I’ve had a very unstable relationship with my weight since I was 13. I went from being a normal kid, to a really fat tween, to a starving teen, to a pregnant teen. And now I’m just a healthy young adult. I ate lunch. I’m going to eat dinner. I slept through breakfast *shrugs* (it’s monday, people.) I’m going to eat small meals. But I’m going to eat more than one meal a day. And I might even try exercising instead of berating myself in front of a mirror. Maybe. (I almost died after I tried ten minutes of cardio this morning soooo, probably not.)

This is the study I read if you want to check it out. I think it’s kindof interesting, but I’m going to try to find a more current one.

So yea, I’m feeling super spiffy and proud of myself right now. Not because of my weight, but because I’m starting to accept myself for who I am, flaws and all. Damn I want that eyeshadow though…

I Didn’t’s Forget That You Existed! (Despite the intro this post is sad)

In case anybody(nobody) noticed that I disappeared again, I have a semi-reasonable excuse this time. Josh’s grandpa died and we had to attend his wake and funeral.

It was horribly depressing. Most people would assume that with my disposition I would enjoy funerals, but no. It was fucking sad. And Kindof bad too. Like I didn’t really get to know him, but even I knew that they messed up his face so badly that I refused to go see him, He did¬†NOT¬†do the puffy old man hairstyle.

And then his son, my uncle-in-law? (do distant relatives count as inlaws?) did a really bad job of summarizing, not for lack of planning, he’s just a really bad¬†story teller.

His one granddaughter (cousin-in-law) was sobbing about how she was glad he was dead because now her dad wasn’t alone in heaven. (I understand the sentiment, but the phrasing was about as horrible as something that would come out of my own mouth)

My brother-in-law XP (‘nother grandson) tried to use his time speaking to make himself sound like an amazing person (don’t try to be a fucking glory hound at your papa’s funeral asshole) and

My sortof cousin in law was sobbing because she was a grand-son’s ex-wife and was talking about how even though she wasn’t related and he wasn’t required to, he continued to treat her like part of the family and loved her regardless.

Josh had a really awesome mini-speech that would’ve sounded better at the end as a summary of everyone else’s, but was still really good, It just sucked because he was trying not to cry and that made my insides all squishy. The smidge loudly commentated during the entire thing.

And then I got to attend my firstest ever catholic mass, creepy-ass priest included! (He didn’t know the man at all, didn’t plan his speech out, didn’t give a shit, and was smiling the whole time.)

It was just horrible.

So since I just made myself sound like an unsympathetic judgmental bitch, here was what I actually thought about said passed person:

He was really fuckin cool. Like I never got a chance to really know him, I didn’t go to the magical campground that every single relative goes on and on about. But he was a genuinely kind person. Anyone who’s that nice to their 16 year old grandson’s girlfriend of two months, is just goddamn awesome. He worked really hard to remember people’s names so even though he was really old and sick he always knew who I was. The very first time I went over there Him and his wife (the nana) were telling us all about when they were teenagers and dating. And the cute little song he wrote her that he remembered for like 60-some years.

And holy fuck the books. He probably read like 14-15 a week. Of those fat-ass murder mystery type novels. I aspire to read as much, and own as many books as that man did. (Josh is gunna read this and be like nu-uh don’t you fucking dare do you know how hard it is to move that many fucking books?!?!?!? ) because he filled up their entire garage. wall to wall with books stacked to the ceiling. AFTER people started getting rid of them. We’re talking thousands. It was one of the most impressive collections I’ve ever seen outside of a library.

But I think the best indicator of what a fucking cool person he was, is probably the way every single person’s eyes light up when they talk about him. Everybody smiles. From my ass hat brother in laws, to his kids, to his wife, to his great grand kids, and Josh Everyone adores him. It’s present tense because they still adore him. and I think the saddest thing about all of it was that I didn’t get a chance to know him very well, and I never will.

So that sucked fucking ass. And then Josh and I laid around feeling sad. And then over the weekend we went Christmas shopping. So expect me to spam up your inboxies now that I’m back. I should ¬†only be gone for a day or two around Christmas, but my dads paying for us to go on a cruise with my family in January so I’ll be ditching you then too. (but these absences will be way less depressing and followed by what the fuck I did when I wasn’t here type posts. With hauls.)