Category Archives: Acting Like A Grownup

NOPE

So, I have IGBTSS, if you’re wondering what that is and survival rates and such let me just expain,

I Gave Birth To Satan Syndrome is a medical anomaly occurring in mothers who are typically over-worked and under-paid. The symptoms include one or more children that are too smart for their own damn good, wreck hell upon your home, and ALWAYS use their powers exclusively for evil, furthering the devils cause.

It has a -000000.00000% survival rate, so I’m sorry guys, but the terrible two’s are nigh upon us and I fear that I shan’t last much longer.

Ugh >.< somebody put me out of my misery now?

On top of the satan baby Josh is working nights every day through monday so I get to see him for maybeeee 10 minutes a day because he has to sleep when he’s home.

And chasifer’s moped died so I’m driving his dumb ass to and from work every day until he can afford to get his license back, and buy a car. Good news is that he no longer works at the labor finder place because he got a job that’s like a mile from where we live. So at least the risk of me passing the fuck out while I’m driving isn’t too bad.

Now that the roommates at work and the child’s in bed(FINALLY) I get to go clean out the fridge and figure out what’s making it smell like rotting flesh.

Soooooooooooo I’ll catch you all later depending on whether or not I’ve survived.

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This Has Been Strange… O.o

Well, shit’s been weird and oddly eventful this weekend. I know I said I was going to write more frequently, and I am planning another post this week but I feel a bit more justified in my absence now.

We’ve adopted our first stray hooman. It sounds ridiculous butttt that’s pretty much what happened. We’d only met him once before at my disastrous birthday party. (We did hit it off then and had vague future-ish plans to hang out) When like Friday night Abby (The….ex…. more on her later.) hit up Josh saying that He’d been kicked out of his parents house, tried to kill himself, and was wandering around by himself. So naturally the next morning as soon as we find out where the fuck he was (barely a minute away from our apartment) Josh went and picked him up and he’s been staying here ever since.

Poor guy’s had a pretty shit life and he’s like the sweetest teddy bear ever so we’re trying to help him get his shit together and get a real job and his car back and the works. It’ll take time but I really want to help him out. So, Chase, the gigantic, stoner, teddy bear, who acts like a dumbass and a big bro, is soon to be officially living with us, and paying rent. In the meantime he’s been cleaning, which, honestly I might appreciate a bit more (I am the world’s worst housewife.) I think I like him so much because he reminds me a lot of my cousin, after he tried to get clean, before he turned into a condescending prick. So, the best cousiny days. He is a fucking dumbass though.

So then ensues a weekend of drinking and low-key partying with our other new bestest buddies, Charlie (super awesome funny trans man) and his long time friend ‘Drea (a sex goddess of unparalleled charm, who likes brothers Grimm and disney. Also looks like a suicide girl pinup…I might be crushin’) Who will I guess soon be having a baby together (they have an odd relationship) For which Josh will be donating the manly love-nectar, earning us permanent aunt and uncle status.

Yesterday we had our first “Family Dinner” with Charlie, Chase, Smidge, Josh, and I. It made me really happy because I’ve always been big on the “you make your own family thing” And now out of the blue, in like the span of a week, our family got really big really fast. It makes me smile because it just sort of fits. It’s weird but all of us weirdos just obviously belong together. I hope it lasts, because it’s been a while since I’ve been this happy Cx

It’s weird because I’ve been trying to figure out why I like all these guys so much when I’ve only just met them and I think I’ve finally got it, I feel comfortable with them. I don’t get that bad social anxiety, depressed to be near them shit. I’ve only ever felt that way with Josh before, and this is different, I mean, I don’t wanna fuck them (‘cept Drea ^_^) but they just feel like they belongs.

God I hope I’m not the only one that feels like this or else I’ll feel like a creepy stalker nut-case o.o

Also, Abby, Who shall henceforth be referred to as peasant, has been trying to stir shit in the background all fucking weekend (having had a background with both Josh and Chase) plus, she’s nuts. Aaaaaaand last night She and Josh got back together. There are no words to describe how I feel right now, and if there are, they’d be no-no words.

I’m trying to think of what else has been happening but nothing’s comin up at the moment…. So I shall leave you with this:

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Also, Just a reference for how close we’ve gotten in the span of like a week, Smidge now has an Uncle Charlie and an Uncle Chase.

No excuses this time

I’ve been sick as fuck and trying not to puke my guts up while my tummy tries to murder me but whatever.

Not much has happened because of the aforementioned reasons.

Ummm things… with words….

My tongue split seems to be making really good progress (being partially okay completely insane and tying it so tight it’s practically embedded is great for making progress!) I guestimate that I’m about half-way done, but the second half will definitely take longer since I’m going a lot slower now, tired of bleeding every time I want to eat….

I keep missing days on my instagrammy challenge because of my patheticness too -.- stupid sick.

But since I was catching up on all the posts I’ve missed this week I found a great tag on Samm’s blog. It’s supposed to be for Goth’ses but I’m claiming it in the name of all the uncategorized alt girls. Because honestly most of the questions I feel are applicable anyway.

Smidge is getting better at footwalkings! She’s going to master the art of the turning without falling down soon. It’s cute but also terrifying because it spells my doom in bold italicized and capitalized letters. She get’s into all the things.

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I’m sad because Josh has been working even crazier then usual hours. He was finally going to be home when he’s supposed to, walked in the door dropped off the stuff he brought home (he gotted me the bestest chocolate and coconut waters Cx) and was like guess what! I’ve got to go back to work. :/ I feel bad for him, I don’t remember the last time he had a full day off.

My book came in the mail! I can’t wait to start reading it, hopefully it’ll be as good as the first one, will updates you all when finished. Ugh.

Tired now.

Must laundry.

Then nap.

Much Nap.

Did I mention toddler?

need sleeps

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I Say Things Maybe…

So this weekend was a thing. Josh was on call and he didn’t get called all weekend! So I hads the whole three days with mah babeh ♥ I was happeh.

We also spent the whole weekend doing pretty much nothing. It was perfect.

But now I have stuff bouncing around in my head. About the smoodge and when she grows up and stuff.

I guess it all sort of started last night because I was depressed for a bit and what I was fixating on this time is essentially worrying about whether or not Josh thinks I’m weird (He says no, I’m pretty sure he means yes but in an awesome way though.) Because when we first started talking I was the awkward geeky teen person who wants to be gothish but is too scared of what everybody already says about her so she settles for morbid-geekish.

Frizzy brown hair, clothes that either hide or just don’t flatter, lots of graphic tees if I remember rightish.

Stuff like that. I barely used any eyeliner. It’s depressing just thinking about it.

And now, because I’m slowly gaining confidence and losing all of my fucks-given, I’m starting to let my outside reflect a lot more of my inside. I’m not saying that I can’t be me without approximately three pounds of eyeliner, it’s just a lot easier and more fun.

So anyway, I worry about what the Josh thinks sometimes because I’m no longer a frizzy brown haired geeky person, but a mostly-tamed red-head with an obsession with body mods(my newest fixation is corset-training. this will have to wait till after I’m done reproducing though.), and black lipstick, and eyeliner, and you know, black anything.

It’s not that I’ve really changed who I am as a person much, I’m just gaining the confidence to express who I’ve always been.

All of that is to basically catch you up on this weekend, and preface the whole smidge thing.

How am I supposed to teach her to love herself, and to tell her that she’s beautiful just the way she is, when I wear my black makeup, dye my hair, pierce myself, and will probably sometime soonish be tattooed, without being a hypocrite?

I know I won’t be lying when I tell her she’s beautiful. The little shits one and already way too damn cute. With her daddy’s soft brown hair and smile, and her mummies pretty eyes, and complexion. I’m not bragging, but I think the odds of this kid growing up ugly are pretty slim.

But how do I make her know that when I’m changing my face, and how do I explain to her that I love my face the way it is, and I’m not trying to hide it.

I think it’s going to be tricky explaining the way I view makeup, body image, and loving yourself in general to her.

I think makeup is fun, a way to express yourself and be artistic, to show people who you are. But at the same time that it’s not necessary to put makeup on or to change yourself to feel and be beautiful. That natural beauty is just as real, and besides, there are more important things than being beautiful. It’s more important to be kind, compassionate, intelligent, and caring, than it is to be beautiful.

I love who I am, with or with out make up, even when my depursions makes it harder. It’s taken a really long time, and sometimes I still don’t think so, but I really do love myself. And I want to give that to my daughter.

I want her to love herself when she’s wearing makeup, when she’s not, when she’s having “fat days” and when she’s feeling on top of the world. That’s something my mom still doesn’t seem to understand. I think that made it harder to find it for myself, but I want to give it to Smidgey. I want to give her all the confidence and the self-love I can pound into her tiny, sassy ass.

Because the rest of the world is going to try to drag her down, I don’t want her to tear herself apart to.

I just hope I can explain that to her.

I’m bad at verbal communication though so the odds are that I’m going to muddle it all up.

Maybe I can just save this somehow and make her read it when she’s twelve after the first time one of her friends gives her shit for not shaving her legs….

I just want my baby girl to grow up knowing that she’s beautiful.

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I Did Things This Weekend? (I actually wrote out a title?)

So today. *shrugs* It could be better, it could be worse. It’s a typical monday really. I got my homework submitted in time with a couple hours to spare. (despite the fact that I had to redo half of it because I accidentally closed the wrong tab -.-) And the smidge is napping.

She’s been a little shit. Which I understand because she got her next round of shots, which turn small angels into huge demonic assholes. She doesn’t want to eat anything I give her unless it’s soaked in sugar, and the child who never wants to cuddle will scream bloody murder if I put her on the floor for ten seconds.

We finally put up some artwork and things we’ve been meaning to hang foreverrrr. Which means that I can actually start using my vanity again soon instead of being in the bathroom! (I don’t mind using the bathroom, but I feel bad for Josh because my makeup is always spread out all over the place and he gets no counterspace.)

We got a hamster. We’re still discussing it’s name but I’m pretty sure Petunia will be the one to stick. (I am the queen of impulse pet purchases…..) Although she’s kindof a little asshole. She figured out how to open her ball and keeps getting lose. It took an hour to get her out from behind the fridge earlier. -.- But that’s okay because at the time I was still looking for excuses to avoid homework. ^.^

I’m going to try to record her being cute later but I want to give her a while first because she was acting pretty traumatized after the fridge incident. I will say: she is much less asshole-ish than Noodle. She doesn’t scream, and she runs away instead of trying to bite people. *sighs* I miss Noodle. there was a winter white at the store when we picked her up (she’s a robo dwarf) and I almost cried I miss the little asshole so much.

I feel bad for Josh because he had a migrane over the weekend. So last week he didn’t get a single day off and this weekend he get’s a puking-can’t-do-anything-but-sit-in-the-dark migrane imediately after we left his parents passover dinner (seder? I have no idea on the spelling of anything, let alone Jewishy-hebrewy whatevers) Which I also felt bad about because my soon to be sister in law is not only completely unJewish, but she’s also completely closed-minded and not particularly respectful about it. I mean, I’m not really Jewish either (except for marrying Josh and having an un-practicing great-grandfather) but I think the traditions are interesting, and I know it’s important to Josh. But if you can’t be respectful and considerate of your families beliefs than you really should’ve stayed home. Especially when she was laughing at how obnoxious her kid was being, and making faces about the food.

Although I do think Josh and I are probably weird because afterwords we continued nibbling on the parsley and horseradish pretty much all through dinner…. I love horseradish ^.^

Well I’m going to stop babbling now because I have to go pay the rent that we were going to drop off saturday and couldn’t, so now it’s late….. oops.

Bai!

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Cool picture I added into my homework, because cool.

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Because everyone needs traumatized once in a while.

Well….

I was supposed to go to bed early because my in-laws are visiting tomorrow, but it’s too late for that now! *cues up anime marathon* I’m going to have to wake up really early (because 8 is obscenely early when you typically get up at lunchtime…..) But I’m not complaining because my father-in-law has decided to recruit the brother-in-law that I *extremely dislike* and force him to dig out my car (it snowed at least 6 inches today) I don’t really mind doing it myself, but I don’t have a shovel and the only shoes I have that don’t skid on ice are converse which are, shall we say, the exact opposite of waterproof???? So I’m not looking the gift horse in the mouth, despite the fact that I will have to thank the slimy vermin and his father who insists on hugging me. I know they’re just trying to be friendly, but I’m not big on physical contact. *shivers*

Also *crosses fingers* I submitted the second half of my first midterm today. The upshot of online classes is that I’m getting to take them at home, and I have the whole week to turn them in. I’m hoping I did okay, I think this is like the second class where I’ve had essay questions? (oh the joys of being homeschooled, except for the part where you spend 24/7 with someone who doesn’t really like you and doesn’t do a good job of pretending they do.) But I only missed 1 question on the normal problems and I think I’ll get partial credit on that because I gave the right answer just in plural instead of singular (damn you ziggurats!), I am going to email her at the end of the week, but I think I remember her mentioning earlier that she would be going through and checking the answers for spelling problems and such. I mean I even checked to make sure I spelled it right so it would be totally unfair if I didn’t get partial. *yawns* I’m sleepy.

And my head hurts. I feel like shit. I’m exhausted constantly. I know I’m sick I just don’t know what’s wrong. And I don’t have mono but this is like over a month and a half of feeling like I got hit by a bus every single day. I know that official clinical-ly depression can mess with your sleep, but I’ve never been diagnosed and isn’t something that I usually feel. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. *sighs* If I’m not careful I’ll sleep 12 hours a day, and while I don’t really have a problem with that, it’s not good for Smidgey to be in her crib that long, even if she is totally happy just chilling and playing with her toys. It’s better for her if she’s running around taking books off of shelves and trying to finish off murdering my laptop. So I am trying really hard to get up before 1, at least so I can take care of her. I feel like a shitty mom when I don’t spend more time actually playing with her, but it’s so hard to move and do the bare minimum right now, anything more than that seems impossible. I’m trying the best I can, I make sure I get her to laugh every day, and I make sure I actually talk to her so she doesn’t end up one of those kids that doesn’t talk ’till they’re three because they spend all day every day with no interaction besides their mum who doesn’t talk. But it feels like a monumental effort to do the littlest things. I wish it didn’t hurt so much.

Oh and here’s my TMI 50 questions whatever tag: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=im2L5aHVp1Q&list=UUs80yobEPbCd6ZSbispvDTw it is pretty long, but I answered 50 freaking questions, and I tried to actually give real answers for things instead of being all “oh em gees I could never pick just oneeeee favorite color” So it’s there if you’re interested, no big if you’re not. I’m going to lie down now.

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My Scars Are Fading.

Warning If You Don’t Like The Stuff In This Post, I Don’t Give A Fuck

So I feel really weird. When I got out of the shower this morning and was doing my usual lotion routine I noticed the scars on my arm have almost completely faded. And usually when I feel sad about them I look at the ones on my thighs, because they were deeper and just more visible. (I do try really hard not to do this ’cause it’s really triggering, but I was doing pretty okay so I didn’t think it would be that bad.) So I went to look at my thighs and they’re pretty much gone. Maybe if I look really close I get a very faint line, but for the most part nope they’re gone.

I just….I know I should be happy about this, that my body won’t be permanently marked from all of the shit that I survived in my head. That I should be happy because I’m almost better and I did this all on my own. But…. I mean. They’re a part of who I am. And watching them fade is like watching a part of myself die. I know it sounds really melodramatic but that’s how I feel. I put them there for a reason, even if it was a really bad reason. They’re the physical representation of something that profoundly affects who I am today. (I know I’m being wordy, it’s just the easiest way to explain how I feel.) So it feels like I’m watching a big part of myself, and a big portion of my teenage years/life just fade away.

And I don’t feel ready for that. I don’t want to forget how I felt, what I went through. I don’t want to forget the way it feels to cut myself. Because it makes it seem like I went through all of that for nothing. Which I know intellectually at least, is true. There was absolutely no real reason for me to do that to myself and all of the resulting pain and emotional bullshit I went through was entirely my fault. I’m not asking for a pity party. I don’t need anyone to feel sorry for me because I did it to myself.

But it also feels like I’m finally ending a big chapter of my life. And I’m so so not ready for that. I’m not ready for it to be “I used to have problems” I want it to stay “I have some problems” I don’t know why. I know I should be happy but I’m not. I also feel the overwhelming urge to put them back. Which I’m not going to. And honestly my reasons for not doing so are supremely shitty. It’s not because I know it’s wrong, even though I do. It’s because if I do “relapse” Josh won’t have sex with me until they’re at least mostly healed. Which I get and am not mad at him for, but it sucks. Call me petty, but I’d rather have an orgasm than another scar. Plus I haven’t done anything since I was a minor, and if I do it again I wouldn’t just be a “troubled teen” I’d be labeled mentally unsound or something. Which is pretty much the reason for my second really shitty reason: If Josh wanted to, he could leave and take my baby and I probably wouldn’t be able to get as much custody of my Smidget.

Sometimes I use the other more sensible nicer, prettier arguments like Josh loves me and I don’t want to hurt him and I have a happy family and I don’t want to explain this to my baby girl when she’s older. But when I’m mid-walk to find something stabby it’s usually the first two arguments that stop me.

So I’m not going to. I know I’m done hurting myself. But suddenly it’s not something I just think to myself anymore, it’s happening now. This is the longest I’ve ever gone without a relapse. This is 3 and a half years since I quit. I know it’s over. I just don’t want it to be. And I don’t know why. I know I should be happy, but I can’t explain why I’m not.

I do know that in a few years, If I can actually make it over a year without relapsing, I’m going to get a big phoenix scarification piece on my back. It might seem weird for the former self-harmery person to go with a scarification, but I think it would be more delicate, lighter, and feminine than a regular ink tattoo. And I want to make my phoenix as beautiful as possible. But I will be getting regular tattoos as well. I have one that I’ve been dead set on ever since Josh and I got the idea. And one that I recently thought up and have been loving the idea of ever since.

And since I’m super depressed from writing all of this out and dealing with it instead of avoiding it:

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Adorable baby bunny

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Funny offensive meme.

Well I Feel All Accomplished ^.^

I finally got around to cleaning all the snow off my car!!!! (In order to put this into perspective, it snowed on like Sunday.) It sucked because the only shoes I have with an ounce of traction are my converse, Which aren’t even a little bit water resistant. Thankfully the snow caked on them didn’t melt until I was actually in the car and could turn the heater onto my feet so they didn’t get all frostbitey. But I did have to steal Josh’s coat, because I stretched my winter one out last year with a baby bump, and now it’s all huge and lumpy. But I like Josh’s because A.) It’s more comfortable, B.) It smells like his cologne C’x *does girly melting at his yumminess* and C.) It has like fifty more pockets. Seriously what the fuck is up with that?!?!?!? Why do guys get all these huge awesome practical pockets that you can practically (no, not literally) fit planets into. -.- major unfairness.

Anywayyyyy, why the hell did I decide to clean of my car now, if I’ve waited so long??? You cleverly ask yourselves. I had to take the trash out. It was kind of a mountain. I also had to get the mail. And buy groceries because we were running out of things like milk, deodorant, eggs, razor cartridges, baby wipes, eyeliner, and the ever important soy sauce. And the atm machine worked this time!!! 😀 So I didn’t have to put anything on my card because not only did the atm machine work, I actually guestimated how much I’d need correctly. ^.^ *proud of self* It sucks because it was kind of a lot, but still. I got everything and have like $7 in change for my stash.

I did have to turn down ze Mother-in-laws invitation to go with her and her mum to lunch because I had to get the cold stuff in the fridge. OH DAMMIT I FORGOT THE VANILLA ICECREAM  That just randomly popped into my brain -.- But yea, I don’t get along superrr well with her, but we’re getting friendlier and she’s not trying to get Josh to dump me anymore and is trying to be nice. I also really like his nanna. She reminds me of my Gram(grandma that I like, not the one I despise.) and is just a super nice old lady who likes tea. But I also had to put smidge down for a nap and I don’t think I could’ve afforded red lobster on seven bucks. Plus I hate seafood. So I feel bad, but also justified and not like I’m just making excuses like I usually do when I have to turn down invites for things. (because I loathe human interaction.)

When I got the mail on the way home I was super excited because all of my packages came!!!!! I got MY incredibly superior brand of contacts, My bath and body works shower gel (even after shipping, it’s cheaper on amazon then in the store.), a deep conditioner for when I dye my hair, and another eyeshadow ^.^

Here are the picytures:

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It’s funny because the hair stuff and the body wash were both frozen solid! xD but they did both smell really good and I can’t wait to try them. I’m also excited because I love buying eyeshadows, I’m trying to find the perfect blue for my eyes, which is actually really hard because they’re kind of….washed out???? faded, dull, greyish? I’m not trying to sound like I don’t like them. My eyes are actually one of the things I like best about my face, but they aren’t that vibrant flashy color most people think of when you say “blue eyes” OH I KNOW “subdued” that sounds closer right??? *sighs* I need to go read a thesaurus. (actually I like thesauruses a lot, I like seeing all the different words you can use to say the exact same thing.)

And my feet are swelling up again O.o I don’t know why but the’ve been swelling and getting really sore recently. And I get not quite a pins and needles thing, but like if you walk slowly across gravel? I have that sensation in my toes a lot. It’s quite unpleasant but  I don’t want to go back to the Dr’s again. I don’t have mono by the way, which makes me suspect that I might have whatever yucky sickness I got when I was a midget all over again. My hair is still turning white, there’s actually a decent sized little patch now because I can see it when I’m doing my hair. It’s kind of cool because it’s not like going grey, it’s snow white. Think Rogue style. Awesome, until I start worrying about whether or not it’s a symptom of some undiagnosable fatal disease that’s going to kill me. ^.^

I’m fairly pissed off because Josh was supposed to be coming home on time today, like he’d get back to his worky place early, stay for a bit and come home when he would on a normal day, but it’s not happening and I don’t know if he can still come home today, or if he has to stay another night. *sighs* Plus I feel really shitty because I was kind-of bitchy when he tried to call me and say hey. We’d been talking earlier and he lost service and I waited for almost an hour and then decided I should just run my errands because he was busy. And then right after I finished digging out my car, and carrying the trash, and was trying to see if I’d cleared enough space behind my car to pullout, he called me while I was backing up. (I was also mad because he didn’t refill my tank the last time we ran errands so I had to get gas too.) So I was really rude and now I feel like a dick, I can’t even talk to him, and I don’t even know if I’m going to get  to see him today.

And I got the stuff to try to make onigiri!!! I don’t know how it’ll turn out because I’m a horrible chef but I’m excited to try and if I butcher it I can use the leftovers to make sushi I think. I’m doing a chicken filling though because I don’t like a lot of seafood (unless it’s raw apparently) and I’m picky about what pickled food’s I’ll eat. So I figure chicken would be a good Americanized filling that wouldn’t be too far out there.

Wow I’ve rambled for a really long time, so Ima go byebyes!

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JUST FUCK MONDAYS

I am typing this out again because when I went to hit publish wordpress decided to be a dick and say nopeeee gotta refresh that page, since I had hit the save draft button I thought it would be fine. I come back to an empy page. So the past 20 stress-relieving minutes just disappeared. I am way beyond past ready to throw things. I’m also on the rag. Which started on valentines day. Yea. We still had fun but like fucking seriously?!?!? I wasn’t even supposed to start for like two more weeks. -.-

Anyway. On to why I’m fucking ranting. I went to change smidges diaper this morning and there was a massive blowout everywhere. I now need to wash sheets that were literally changed yesterday. On top of that said blowout gave her a terrible diaper rash. And we’re out of butt-cream. (note the present tense.) So what do I do? I do a small portion of the mountain of homework that’s (still) due today and get smidge ready to go to Walmart. I get a list of other stuff we need from Josh and head to the damn store.

When I get there, the atm machine is broken. This would not be a big deal, if we had bothered to put me on Josh’s account this weekend and I had a freaking debit card. So I have a list of stuff we need, most of it is actually pretty urgent, and the only money I have access to is couple hundred dollars I have left of what was supposed to be my college fund (I’m dropping out for a number of reasons as soon as I finish this semester.) Yea. So since I have a massive mountain of homework due in a couple hours I don’t have time to run to another store, I just have to charge it to my fucking college card, suck it up, and get home so I can turn my homework in on time for my hard ass teacher. (Did I mention I didn’t read the chapter I’m supposed to be writing about?!, my fault I’ll admit, but still ridiculously shitty.)

I get home, I get smidge ready to go down for a nap (she’s sleeping a lot because she’s bit under the weather still.) and shock of all shocks, I forgot the fucking diaper rash cream. Did I mention I’m ready to scream?!?! So now I have to finish the homework wake up the smidge who is napping sans-pants (I didn’t have the heart to put a diaper back on a butt that looks that sore.) and go to fucking target like I should’ve in the first-place. Take out the money so I can make another trip tomorrow to the bank and put the money back in my account, and buy the fucking buttcream.

*has disproportionately epic meltdown* Did I mention I’m doing all of this while I’m ragingly hormonal???

I just want to curl up in a ball and eat chocolate and cry.

Instead I have to be a goddamn grownup and do my fucking homework so I can buy my baby butt-cream. *sighs*

Fuck My Life.

Also, working on the whisper challenge with Josh, would’ve been finished last night but the camera battery was dead.

Also, I need to buy fucking gas because I have less than a quarter of a tank left.

And Also, I got nominated for the Liebster Award so I’m probably going to do that later tonight/tomorrow.

Yup, It’s a monday.

Fucking mondays. Fucking don’t even deserve a fucking capital letter. Fuck everything right now. *continues muttering to self*

So. Yep. I’m on the rag. *shocks and appalls at the crude tmi’ness of it all* which fucking started on valentine’s day. -.- that was lovely by the way. *sighs* we still managed to enjoy ourselves but anyway, to the point,

Everything that could go wrong, pretty much has happened today. I have two quizzes due and to write a fucking post for the discussion board on a chapter I didn’t bother to read (I know, I know, sue me.) Smidge had a massive diaper blowout that destroyed all of her bed sheets as well as giving her uber bad diaper rash in the course of one morning. And we’re out of butt cream. So I was all like fuck well I’ll do a bit of homework and when smidge wakes back up we’ll go to the store. Got a list of shit we needed from Josh. Went to the store. The atm machine is broken. This would not be a big deal, if we had gotten around to actually putting me on Josh’s bank account. All I had on me money-wise was *the atm card* and my college money. Which is under 1,000 after I bought gas a couple times, bought contact lenses so I could see, and well, I spent a rather large sum of money on something kind of personal. *sighs* don’t regret it but I could really use the five hundred I spent back. So, the kid has a diaper rash and as I mentioned it’s really bad, since I’m strapped for time because of homework it’s not like I can just run somewhere else.

So I buy the fucking shit from the list and the fucking baby food that we were also out of and I actually managed to come out right on the forty that I had budgeted to take out of the machine.

And I come home.

And go to change smidgey, and put her down for a nap because she looks kindof under the weather still.

And I forgot the fucking diaper rash cream. (smidge is napping pants-less on a towel)

I am about ready to scream at the universe any second now.

*sighs* But what I’m going to do instead is finish the goddamn homework. Get smidge dressed up again. And go to fucking target like I should’ve in the first place. Where I will buy butt cream, and if the atm machine works take the money out so I can go to the bank tomorrow and put the money back in my account. *slams head into keyboard* I just want to cry and eat chocolate.

*also* attempted to do the whisper challenge video last night, had a good start, camera battery died. We got distracted while it was charging and ended up just going to bed. But we should finish it tonight so I can put it up tomorrow.

*also* I will probably finish Josh’s pack of weird tasteless cigarettes in the course of an hour. Which I’m undecided on my feelings about because I haven’t smoked since like, December last year.