So I uploaded that on thursday. *shrugs*
The only reason I’m actually writing anything right now is because I feel obligated to at least post something.
I’m hitting another bad depression wave. I’m not sure if the meds stopped working, or its just getting worse in general. I find both about equally likely.
This time sucks because I’m dealing with the apathy/suicidey thoughts combo which is harsh to deal with. It seems like the only times I’ve felt anything the past few days is when I wanted to bludgeon smidge for her non-stop 72 hr scream fest (which always seems to conveniently end the moment Josh steps in the door.) And when Josh comes home and I feel like mauling his face off with kisses because I’m always fucking horny when I menstruate. Which is another wonderful thing on the mountain of shit that I’m trying to cope with.
I just want to feel normal. I wonder if that will ever happen.
No. Fuck. I didn’t come here to keep thinking in circles. I’m getting this shit out so I feel better. Not dwelling. Not thinking about death. No blood. No pain. I’m not fucking allowed. I’m going to breathe until the knot in my chest goes away and then I’m going to watch anime. Something girly.
It’s raining outside. It’s really pretty. I think I might go step outside for a few minutes while smidge is asleep. I love being outside when it rains. especially in summer. There’s something about the way it feels on your skin. Yea, I think I’m going to go now.
I’m back. I was only out there for like three minutes, but I’m glad I went because it fixed my head. Smeared my makeup, but it definitely fixed my head. I just hope my hair doesn’t end up staining Josh’s shirt that I stole.
It is now laying in a soggy heap on our bedroom floor. It’s so nice standing in the rain, you should try it. Just close your eyes and tilt your head back and let it ruin your hair and mascara. It’s one of the best feelings ever. I don’t think it’s possible to stay upset when you’re outside in a summer shower. Looking at it all bouncing on the trees and making little rivers and puddles. It makes everything seem fresher. There are a few little azaleas left outside that looked so pretty with the bright pink standing out.
I wish people appreciated rain more, like even the people that do think it’s pretty always think it’s pretty in a sad way. Sometimes I get that, but I think more often it should be happy because it makes everything seem nicer afterwards. All the greens are brighter, the air feels cleaner, it’s just so fucking nice I hope it’s still raining when the next wave of depressions hits, I’ve got to put this on the list of mood-lifters. I feel like I’ll need it again soon. But for now I feel so much better. Even looking out the blurry window is nice.
I’m sorry this is weird, I just needed to fix my head.
Plus I feel bad because I got a few new subscribers early this week and just, haven’t posted. Which I mean, anybody reading this should be used to by now, but still. I like to at least squeeze in two a week.
(concerning the featured image/coverphoto: I’m highly skeptical of anything that claims to be a bob marley quote, but it’s a great one never the less.)