So I drank too much last night and ended up puking several times. Josh is amazing because he cleaned up everything I missed after he got home at like midnight. I should stay away from alcohol when I’m depressed, it’s no fun then anyway.
But this morning I’ve been thinking, contemplating the mysteries of the universe and all that.
And I’ve decided to officially redefine what I consider to be successful. I mean, I already have sort of done this, but now it’s official. I don’t care if we never become millionaires, I don’t care if I buy my clothes from target (and hot topic) for the rest of my life I don’t care if we never get an artsy loft style penthouse in some trendsy artsy city, and I don’t care if I never get my adorable grey or green fiat or mini cooper to be all cool and artsy in.
I am officially defining my success in life by how happy I am through out it. Because when you’re 80 you’ll be in a nursing home anyway, I’d rather take amazing memories than jewelry that I’ll be too crotchety to wear. Because really life isn’t about how awesome you do at it, you can’t “win” you can just be happy and satisfied and content.
It’s something I’ve been working on for a while. I don’t want any more memories of me standing in the mirror body shaming myself, than I already have. I want memories of Smidge smiling at me, Josh playing with my hair, and me paying money to have holes stabbed into my skin. *shrugs* I’m a tad obsessed with the body mods okay?!
I can’t remember if Josh showed me or if I just found it on the internet (mostly sure it was the Josh, he always finds the cool stuff) but it was this list of old peoples biggest regrets in life. And most of them revolved around wishing they had worked less, followed their dreams more, and been more spontaneous.
So from now on I’m going to make it a point to remember to take breaks from school and laundry to eat Smidges tummy, I’m not going to give up on my baby youtube channel (I have a whole 13 subscribers now!), and I’m going to try harder not to let my anxiety stop me from doing the things I want, and the things that make me happy.
I know I said in a post a while back that choosing to be happy doesn’t really work. But now that I’m on antidepressants and actually feel mostly stable, it is a lot easier to try. It still doesn’t always work, but now when I try to focus on the little things and breathe and do things to cheer myself up, they usually work.
So I’m promising myself that I’ll focus on the little things, I’ll create beautiful moments, and happy memories, because really that’s the only thing we can take with us, so damn it I’m taking a ton of the bestest memories I can. *insert naive optimism face here*