Ugh. I know I already posted today, so I’ll either spam you or actually bother to save it in my drafts and post it later. But I think I will post it now because it’s what’s in my head now. And I don’t know what I’ll be thinking later.
Basically I’m just stuck on last night. I got triggered (first time in a while actually) nothing shattering but I did freak out on Josh. It’s weird how when I’m depressed one thing turns into another. That’s most of the reason I can never say why I’m depressed. Because usually whatever set me off isn’t actually a big deal, and I’ve usually forgotten it by the time I stop crying. Anyway, after I freaked out over a kitchen knife I ended up questioning why the fuck I still believe in God.
It’s weird, I mean, I don’t talk about it much, mostly because I know I hate getting preached at by a pack of holier-than-thou religious nuts who’re out to save my little “occult obsessed” soul.
But I do believe in God. and Jesus. And you know, most of the general principles the bible teaches. Basically the core stuff. I don’t buy in to tattoos and homosexuality send you to hell. Because when I read the bible it seems to say believe in Jesus and love your neighbors.
And I don’t generally question my faith much. I’ve never actually doubted the existence of a Divine ruler who created humanity before. Pondered, considered, and researched yea, but that’s part of not being a blind believer.
So questioning the existence of an entity I’ve believed in my entire life freaked me out.
It’s hard for me, and easy at the same time. Because I don’t hear god. I don’t see his miraculous and wonderful lovey dovey hand in life. I don’t get urges, voices, whatever the aforementioned holier-than-thou assholes are telling people they should be hearing. Ever. Never. Not once in my life. Okay. Once that might have been, but also might have been my subconscious trying to save my dumb ass from more self-inflicted pain.
So it’s hard to believe that some wonderful creator sacrificed his kid and made the earth and shit, when he doesn’t bother to, you know, cure cancer and say hi once in a while dammit.
But at the same time I kindof have to believe in the existence of God because of the generally excepted principle that you can’t have a negative divine force, without also having a positive one.
And I definitely firmly believe in negative divine beings, it’s a lot easier because I’ve seen them. Which is scary as hell, and sort of makes me think I’m nuts, but sue me for believing my eyes. Fucking scary ass shit.
And I mean, you can’t believe in the bad without believing in the good, otherwise any one who believes anything would kill themselves. It’s too scary to live in a world where evil exists and good doesn’t.
Which is why I still do believe in God, because I’ve seen demons and generally scary shit. Call them whatever you want, ghosts, paranormal entities, specters, Demon makes sense to me because that’s what it felt like.
So doubting his existence fucked with my head for a bit. Although I’m finding that I’m increasingly doubting the importance of church or organized religion in general. I mean, if it was like what it says to do in the bible it’d be great, but really it’s just a suburbanite pissing contest over who’s in who’s out and where you buy your clothes. It’s bullshit.
Maybe I’m just jaded because I’ve only ever had negative church experiences. This is coming from someone who grew up in church, I don’t think I’ve ever actually liked a church I’ve been to. Ever. Maybe I just had a hard time because I was a weird kid, that grew into a weird tween, that grew into a pregnant teen. *shrugs*
All I know is that just because I wear black nail polish and too much eyeliner doesn’t mean I can’t kick your ass in a round of some obscure bible trivia game. I had to teach my dad the books of the bible, the ten commandments, and half of the new testament. I know my shit. It’s just.. Most of it’s bullshit and sometimes I wonder exactly how much is bull and how much is real.
I don’t know. I know this is weird and that nobody cares, just what’s in my head.
Smidge is biting my laptop.
I’m also debating whether or not to take this blog from charmingly inappropriate to disgustingly obscene with some funny (IMO) mentionings about my sex life. (oh yes, I have one, I’m the teen mum who has a sexilicious husband remember? bwahahahahaha)