Mehhh O.O

So I’ve been all busiful, and have probably not been replying to comments in a prompt manner of posting much lately. But let me see…. Last post was thursdayy. Since then, I went to the Dr, Josh came home, I started anti-depressants, celebrated Smidgets 1st birthday(the actual bday is tomorrow, holy fuck, I just got really old.) And am now yet again doing weeks worth of homework three hours before it’s do. (actually, about half a week and I’m done with one class I’m just taking a break before I finish up.)

So to start at the beginning:

Dr’s visit wasssss I don’t know. Not nearly as scary as I thought it would be, but depressing in it’s own way. My Dr was really nice, totally believed me with the symptoms, and offered helpful suggestions for ways to get out of the house as well as a prescription for a low-dose anti-depressant. As far as getting out of the house, she was being nice but I don’t really want to get away from smidgey, she makes me happy. And she’s small enough that when I want to go somewhere I just take her with me.

But it was depressing because I had every single symptom on the check-list (You know how they ask you if you have a cough or a runny nose when you go in for a regular visit? They have one of those for depressed people apparently) So yes, my low mood is interfering with my daily life, I think about killing/hurting myself on a daily basis, I have a continual pervasive low mood, and difficulty enjoying things that make me happy. But what was really weird is some stuff that I just assumed was normal. Like low self-worth, low self-esteem, and negative body image? I mean. I’ve been operating under the impression that that’s something everyone feels all the time, my entire life. Is that weird? Like some people actually like themselves? O.o MY WHOLE LIFE IS A LIEEEEEEEEEEE Dammit. But now that I think about it…. most of my negative self-image and stuff does typically tie into my being depressed. And on days that I don’t want to die because I feel like a worthless waste of oxygen I’m actually fairly confident…

Anywayyyy Yea, so after I went and filled my new perscription Josh came home and we’ve been attacking each other like bunnies pretty much ever since (I care not, if I offend you with my lewd display of TMI-ness) which has been super awesome because month-long dry spells suck ass. Plus you know, my bff is back and we can talk and cuddle and I’ve been watching him play Infamous, Second Son which is hellaaaaaaa (forgive me for that, I know it was painful for me to even type) awesome. Like if I didn’t suck ass at video games I would play it 24/7. And I’m going to try to get him to whisper challenge with me soon, but we have a lot of shit we need to accomplish so it might be another longish while before I get it all done.

And I survived a social event that took place in my home! with both my in-laws and my family! And I’m not dead! It was kindof funny because I could tell that Josh and my dad were both keeping an eye on me to see if I was about to freak out, they’re pretty much the only ones who understand how much I hate anything social. And the lengths I go to to avoid social shit. *sighs*

As far as the meds go though, they’re supposed to take about two weeks to really feel a difference. I do believe I’m reaping the benefits of the placebo effect though. So I’m pretending that it’s that. Plus Josh is home, so whether their working or not I feel a lot better. Although the first two days I was really hormoney. I think it was the combination of the new substances being introduced to my head plus again the sex-life thing going back from zero to sixty, which brings its own feel-goody chemicals into play. So yea *nods* Doin better, at least for now. As far as side effects that I’ve noticed, Sleepy. So so fucking sleepy. Which is supposed to go away in about another day or two, and I can already tell it’s easing up today. Umm no weight gain (one of my two major concerns/reasons I avoided going to the dr for so long) actually.. if anything I’m losing a bit which I’ll have to be careful about because I’m hitting the bottom of where I like to stay. The other major side effect I was worried about was it killing my sex-drive, but that hasn’t been an issue (thank godddd Smidge did enough damage to my libido, if I get much less horny I’ll freaking die.) Um no suicidally thoughts (okay well, a decrease from what they were before.) Oh yea I think I saw this one listed on the mile long paper of stuff I should know/side effects/this may or may not kill you; It’s freaking hard to pee. It sounds really dumb and is totally livable and everything, but I have to like sit there for five minutes before I can actually go. *shrugs* I have no idea.

And as far as side effects that’s pretty much it. Alcohol makes me even more sleepy, but A.) I’m not supposed to be drinking at all B.) I’m not supposed to be drinking on these meds (not much, not even enough to count as tipsy, just enough to take the edge off of the whole people in my house, hugging me, nerves) and C.) I seem to be a sleepy, cuddly drunk anyway. I mean, I’ve only ever been that inebriated once or twice, but even when I’m tipsy all I want to do is cuddle and nap, so being sleepier on the occasions that I do decide to have a few drinks isn’t really that big of a deal to me.

Anyway sorry this got long, I have to finish my homeworks before Josh comes home. (I ACED MY FUCKING MIDTERMSSSSSSS) BAI

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