Soooo

I know I said I’d stop linking thursday videos, but this will probably make more sense if you just watch it. Um yea. I freaked out. I scratched my arm pretty bad. I didn’t tell Josh which makes me feel shitty because I usually tell him right away, but… It’s just.. When I do dumb shit and he’s gone then he always wants me to send pictures. I get that, I mean you wanna know what the damage is going to be like when you come home so you don’t end up cringing or something. But just no. nononononononono. I don’t like it. I’m already stressed out enough that I did it and feel like shit. I don’t want to have to fumble with my phone to be reminded of the fact that I did something while leaving an essentially huge traumatic trigger on my phone that I’ll have to go back through and look at later, even if I just want to delete it. So I feel shitty but that’s why I don’t want to say anything until he comes home. (tomorrow)

So for me that was kindof the breaking point. I said I wasn’t going to scratch anymore either and I did so now I’m done with myself and going to the Dr.’s and I’m really really scared. I know it seems silly to be afraid to go to the Dr that I’ve seen since I was like 5 but I’m just nervous. My family doesn’t do this sort of thing. You keep it to yourself, shut up and deal with it, and move on. My Dad doesn’t even believe depression is real. My mom believes it’s caused by lack of prayer and demonic oppression. So I think it’s sort of natural that I never actually told them I wanted to get help. But I do, and I’m not making excuses anymore, I need to feel better. This is fucking with my everyday life and I really, really need it to stop.

*sighs*

In other news, Smidge’s diaper rash hasn’t been clearing up so I’ve been letting her run around without a diaper, to let it dry out and heal up. *facepalms* I went to get her out of her crib from her nap because I noticed that she was making noise and awake and stuff, she had smeared shit everywhere. ALL over her crib, her toys, the fucking mat on the changing table, SHE WAS EATING IT….. Yea. Wonderful day I’ve been having. So then I had to give her a second bath, change her sheets for the second time, all while she was screaming bloody murder at me because I yelled at her when she tried to continue consuming her fecal matter. And then I got to scrape dried shit off of all of the aforementioned. On top of this I have homework that needs done and need to get up about 6 hours earlier than usual if I’m going to make that Dr’s appointment.,

At least Josh is coming home tomorrow. *Fucks everything and goes to sleep*

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