Shock of all shocks, I’m fucking depressed 😀 I know, I like to keep you peoples guessing with a fuck-load of variety. I have no idea why anyone would read this thing, but according to stats almost ____(actually not that many) people find me either amusing or relatable. Which is terrifying in and of itself.
But really I was thinking about how shitty I feel. Not in a self-pity why is this happening to me way (for once) but in more of a, yea but at least I have feelings sort of way.
I’m one of those gosh durn quirky peoples that believes that you can’t understand joy unless you’ve experienced pain. Because yes you can be happy without knowing pain, but you have no context or frame of reference for what a truly amazing blessing that is. How are you supposed to appreciate warmth if you’ve never been exposed to the cold? I think that’s actually a pretty good analogy. I feel all clever now, because the longer you’re outside in the cold, and the colder it was, and the closer your fingers got to getting frostbitten, the more you’ll enjoy that first step back inside when you open the door and it’s so deliciously toasty. But then after a while you adjust to it and then it doesn’t really feel warm again until you go back out, or turn up the heat.
I think that’s a decent way of explaining how good days feel, how completely ecstatic I am on days where I just wake up happy. Because I appreciate it so so much more than someone who doesn’t have this turmoil and this intense negativity constantly clouding their head. I visibly smile when I crunch leaves. I laugh out loud at utterly wretched puns because they’re horrible. I will literally bounce up and down when Josh sits still in the cosmetics aisle long enough for me to pick a new eyeshadow (although in his defense, for me, eyeshadow is an ordeal.) I laugh and smile at so many stupid little things that people just don’t seem to notice or appreciate, and honestly for me, it’s worth all of the extra tears.
I’m blessed in that I don’t have to deal with physical pain. (except for
frequent occasional clumsiness). But the level of emotional pain I carry around in my head and heart everyday, isn’t nearly as insignificant as I lead most people to believe (If your sitting there being all like, well all you ever talk about is how depressed you areee, that’s because this is my tiny piece of internet and where I go to get as much of the bullshit out as possible. If you don’t like it, leave.)
So yes. I’m in pain. A lot. But I think that if I hadn’t felt this much pain, I wouldn’t appreciate all of the little joy’s in my life. My daughter woke me up ridiculously early (a reasonable time, until you consider the whole two hours of sleep thing, I went back to bed though) and even though I was completely blind, exhausted, and pissed at being woken up, when she clapped, and giggled, and said hi (I’m assuming she smiled, I couldn’t see) that made me so happy that it was pretty much the only reason I got out of bed later.
I value my humanity. And feeling strong emotions is an essential part of humanity. I want to live a full life, and part of making it full is filling in the bad parts as well as the good ones, and realizing that at the end of the day, even if there aren’t more good parts, if I’ve experienced the positive and the negative equally, The good bits shine brighter. They feel more. They stick better in our memory. That’s important to me. I only get one shot at this whole life thing (no hate if you buy into the whole reincarnation thing, I just don’t) so I want to do the best I fucking can, to do, to see, to feel, as many things as possible.
*bonus additional analogy* Ever had a dark chocolate covered strawberry? or really any combination of bitter-sweet? Doesn’t that taste so much better than just what ever sweet thing that was on it’s own? I personally will take the chocolate-covered strawberries, the salted caramel flavors and the savory-bitter-sweet things over the alternatives every time.
Too many people sleep through the sunrise, and ignore the sunset, because there’ll always be another one tomorrow. Until there isn’t and it’s too late and you realize that you’ve only seen maybe a small handful of both in your entire life. I don’t want to live that way. I need to seek out the little things, because they’re what keeps the big things from completely destroying me. I want to feel as much as I possibly can, in this short amount of time I’ve been given, because my life is precious, and I don’t want to waste it. Either by ending it now, or by simple leaving it empty. I want my life to be long, complicated, interesting, emotional, and hopefully, happy and beautiful because of it.
See that? That’s the sort of god awful thing that makes me giggle.