So I justttt finished that last post? I’m still trying to work through some things, I’ve mentioned before that I use my blog as more of a diary where I can get feedback. If you don’t feel like reading that 1,000+word mess let me summarize: Looking back on past behavior/reactions: I think I hate my parents. Which is really hard for me to handle because I’m not one to seriously hold grudges or hate people.
For perspective: Best friend from 4 years old to the middle of junior high, treated me like shit, was rude, insulted me, my family, and my other friends, lied to me, stole my clothes, and when I decided to end that “friendship” got all but exactly one friend to stop talking to me, and then later besmooched my first ever boyfriend in the hopes of word getting back to me, and just to hurt me. I know it was just to hurt me because she had a boyfriend(or at least fuck buddy? I’ve had confirmation of the sexual activity, not of the relationship status) and had about *a literal* 15 other guys interested in her at the time. Yea, so, there’s more but you get the jist, just a general bitchy person, I talked to her on facebook a few months back, we caught up, and we’re still never going to be friends, but I don’t hate her or bare her any ill-will or anything. I can look back and appreciate the fact that we used to be absolute best friends, and be sad that it ended the way it did, but in general just appreciate the time where we did get along. *oh the days I wore aeropostle and sung taylor swift* *shudders*
So that’s the sort of thing I forgive, and don’t forget, but accept and move on. I dealt with a bit of bullying, a lot of ignoring, and a shit-storm of hate and insults when I got pregnant. I can be snarky and sarcastic and I’ll give as good as I get, But I try not to take stuff personally and remember that they don’t know the whole story, and they’re probably not all 100% assholes.
So I’m just. Not used to really feeling hate. I don’t like it, but I feel like the things my parents have said and done, while most of it wasn’t intended to hurt, was just horrible. I mean, when is it okay for a mother to call their child fat? and when is it okay for them to intentionally ignore a freaking mental illness, because it’s inconvenient, it’s just a phase, it’s “ocd” because it’s ocd to dig huge fucking gouges into your arms the first day you decide to stop cutting. (that was the last time I opened up to my mother about anything.)
I guess my point is, I know my parents aren’t the worst out there. In fact, I’m pretty much certain that Josh could’ve gone to court with some of the shit his parents did, I know my best friend could. I’m not trying to hold a pity party, or boo-hoo my life. But just because they weren’t the absolute worst parents out there, doesn’t mean they were good. And I don’t have to forgive them for what they did to me. Because even though they never laid a hand on me (aside from childhood spankings, which did not in fact leave me traumatized) They did pull away when they realized I had problems, they did shut me out so that I couldn’t ask for help, they did use every chance possible to turn themselves into the victims because the big bad depressed fourteen year old was trying so hard to hurt them. (since when is *SELF*-harm about hurting someone else????, and if so why did I spend over a year hiding it because I didn’t want to hurt them? hm?), they used my pregnancy to make themselves look like saints, they acted like they bent over backwards for me, when in reality the only thing they’ve ever done was stand on the sidelines, occasionally taking a mild casual interest., oh and paying hospital bills that they were legally obligated to. Minus the couple thousand Josh paid in dr. bills, maternity clothes, perscriptions, etc. they’ve done so much.
I’m just weirded out because I’m usually a pretty “forgive and move on” type person, so realizing that I have all of this bitterness and hatred inside is really weird and I’m not sure how to handle it. I mean, I fucking hate my parents. How weird is that? I mean, I guess if removed from his role as my father, I could probably get along with my dad on a social/equal-standing peers sort of level. But he sucked as a dad. I love him. But at the same time I hate him a whole lot more. I don’t understand how I can feel both so strongly at the same time. It’s easier to hate my mom, because we never got along to begin with, so it’s easy to blame her for all the things that hurt. But when it boils down to it my parents always do everything together, so they irreparably damaged our relationships together. I’m just still trying to come to grips with all of this.