So I’m actually really proud of myself. I’ve been sort-of going back down on the whole roller-coaster that is my trying to deal with my depursions. I’ve just been steadily feeling worse and worse for like the past few weeks until yesterday. All I wanted to do all day long yesterday was kill myself. Or at the very least completely and utterly destroy my arms and legs so that I could feel better. In total I probably bawled my eyes out like five times and I can’t even begin to count how many times I started to tear up and stopped myself. I just really, really wanted to end it all.
But, I didn’t obviously, and not only that but I managed to not hurt myself too. I know it sounds dumb, because I’ve been doing this so long it should be easy by now right? But yesterday was just…bad. I worked backwards through every single coping/alternative I’ve ever found helpful all the way back to my original method the “I’ll do it, just in five minutes. Okay it’s been five minutes I think I can go five more.” thing. I watched hours of youtube I did my makeup and my nails and my homework and even after all of it when nothing was helping and I felt completely broken and fucked up I still managed to stop myself. I was mentally past the point of talking myself out of it for like six hours, but I managed not to anyway. I don’t even now how I did it but I’m just so, so, happy with myself. I did that, all on my own. I was okay. Well, not okay but at least handling it a lot better. It was so fucking hard but I did it and I don’t think I’ve ever been more proud of myself.
I think the reason I find cutting so addictive is because it’s really just a way for me to not deal with my problems. It’s a way to distract all of the pain I feel into something physical, that I can control. (except you can’t really control it.) And I think that’s why I’m having a hard time, because I’ve been in so much pain lately (I honestly don’t know why.) and I don’t know how to handle it without hurting myself.
But I guess last night, I just… Let it hurt? I didn’t try to pretend I was okay, I didn’t act like I was happy or fine, I acknowledged it and just let it hurt until I was done crying and fell asleep. It took a really long time, but it eventually numbed itself.
I just struggle with being depressed so much because it’s something I can’t control. I feel like I have to control everything all the time. (probably some deep-seated parental issues there.) And when I was hurting myself it was how I controlled it. But Now that I’m not and I’m feeling this level of depression again, It’s been a really hard struggle to deal with it, knowing that it’s beyond my control, and trying to work through it instead of pushing everything aside, and burying it and pretending it doesn’t exist.
I really do think I should see a doctor. I’m not sure if what I need is therapy or meds (probably both) because I’m getting pretty good at handling the pain I’m always in, but I don’t think it’s normal to be in this constant emotional turmoil when I’m not doing anything to instigate it, and I don’t have any valid reasons. I know some people have valid, physical, real reasons for why they’re depressed. But I don’t. Which makes me think that I really do have a chemical imbalance in my head. But that sucks because the environment I’m in, well, let’s just say half the people around me don’t think mental illnesses are real, and the other half firmly believe they’re caused by spiritual oppression/possession. (Which, I do believe in possession, but I don’t think every person with OCD or ADHD is possessed, and I know for a fact that I’m not. Call me crazy if you want to, it’s just my personal opinion.) And while Josh is much more supportive than everyone else, I think he’s terrified at the thought of me going on meds because I guess he’s seen some people that got really messed up on anti-depressants and ended up changing a lot. But I mean, I don’t think that what I’m feeling is normal. And it’s starting to look more and more like it’s worth the risk if I can find something that really does help. I mean, even if something does mess with my personality I can just go back to the Dr and ask to switch medications right?
I will say I’m terrified at the thought of gaining weight, I just managed to start liking my appearance so the thought of messing with that is actually really scary. Anyway, sorry this is so heavy, but it’s why I haven’t been writing much lately.
Have a tiny baby kraken.