So I’m supposed to be recording another youtubes video today, But I’m really depressed and want to cheer up a bit first. Which is really difficult because my mom is coming over later. I knowww I probably sound ridiculously immature right now but just ugh. Nope. Can’t do it. Every time I talk to my mom I end up second guessing every decision I’ve ever made in my entire life, and hating myself, and feeling like a fat, stupid, bitch. I don’t even know why this happens or how she manages to do this without actually saying something I can definitely pin as super bitchy, but she does.
So you might ask “Then why did you say she could come over?” I don’t really know, I don’t have a super awesome reason right now but mostly this time it’s because she’s bringing my siblings. And while my feelings for my sister are very much in keeping with my feelings for my mother, I actually miss my little brother really bad. When he was hanging out with Josh and I more frequently he was starting to mature a little and act a bit more his age, so it was fun. The kid actually has a pretty awesome sense of humor, he just also has a terrible case of spoiled (youngest) baby syndrome. So that’s pretty much the only excuse I’ve got. Mom also said she bought the smidge a dress that looks “Beauty and the Beast-ish” which is one of my favorite Disney movies, so okay I’ve been bribed. Sue me.
On top of this wonderful family get-together we shall be having later, I’m still sick. Which means that the apartment is pretty trashed (I am highly suspicious that this fact will be commented on.) and I don’t know what I’m going to talk about in my video either. I have a few ideas but nothing awesome. But Josh did say he’d do the whisper challenge with me so I’m gunna try to record that tonight or tomorrow and it’ll probably go up next Tuesday.
I need to clean shit before they come over but all I really wanna do is curl up in a ball and go back to bed.
I hate everything.
I’m also still reeling because I had a major breakdown last night and almost ended up doing stupid stuff again. But I did manage to distract myself like mid-walk to grabbing shit and just ended up crying and Josh came and held me until I felt better.
So that’s part of the reason I’m feeling extra catty/sensitive today. I think it’s weird how the two always go hand in hand with me. It’s like how sensitive and vulnerable I feel is directly proportionate to how bitchy, guarded, and catty I act. I guess I think if I act tough people will leave me alone? It doesn’t work, it usually just makes them more pissed off and more likely to say the exact sort of stuff I’m sensitive about. Sortof a viscous cycle with my dad commenting on my not having any friends…. I don’t know I need to stop thinking about this stuff it’s bad for me. I’m going to go watch youtube until I feel a bit better and then I’m going to do laundry.
Dammit now I want sushi….