I’m doing a little bit better, not great but I’ve made it about 16 hours without crying so you know progress and things. I just wish that I was happier so I wouldn’t be bringing other people down. Since Josh is constantly trying to cheer me up and get me to smile my depursions are negatively affecting his emotions too. Which when combined with his job are making him depressed and I feel like if he’s off doing all awesome and spiffy at his job and then coming home and trying to fix me up and get me to smile then why can’t I just play with a cute baby and be happy on my own?
Why does it take so much effort for me to be happy? I don’t want to be the miserable person who barely muddles through the day and glares and random strangers, it just feels like the amount of effort it takes to smile at people and be friendly is monumental. But I want to I want to be the nice person that holds open doors and smiles at cashiers and just you know *shrugs* that person that was friendly when you were having a shitty day. It’s just hard to do that when it seems like I’m constantly having shitty days. Which doesn’t even make sense because nothing bad happens, I’m just depressed. And miserable all the time. I feel like a crotchety old man person. I don’t enjoy being such a miserable little shit; it’s just so much more natural.
But I want to knock it the fuck off. And I’m trying. It’s just really hard. I want to be the giver of the virtual hugs, not the one needing them. *sighs* I sound weird and I feel like a perpetually whining spoiled little shit. But I guess the whole point of this is my trying to say that I knowww that I’m acting obnoxious and self-pitying. I am aware. And I know that there are literally millions of people out there with lives WAY shittier than mine. I’m trying to cool my boobs, I really am. It’s just hard because I feel like depression really does make you selfish. It sort of makes you forget everything good that you have going on and instead makes whatever small shitty stuff there is seem huge. So “My parents never paid attention to me, but now I have an awesome Josh and an adorable Smidgey” turns into “Oh my gosh my parents fucking ignored me for years and told me I was a self-absorbed brat and now nobody ever understands or gives a shit about me, and I’m never going to be happy” It’s completely illogical, mostly untrue(my parents are douche-bags, but aren’t everyone’s?) and it makes me sound like a complete and total shit.
Because I know I’m lucky, and blessed, and I love the family I made for myself. I’m just still trying to train my brain to think right-er (and maybe one day with an ounce of intelligence, hmm?) so that I don’t make the people I do have miserable with my illogical carrying-on’s. Again, I apologize for posting shitty post-blog-thingamajighiehs;kdghaihgknmq .eqrgk. wrgknqwerfg<–I gave up. And I shall try to sort my brain out soon, so that I can get back to posting marginally less shitty wordythings.
Also, I want to start a youtube channel but no-one would watch it, I have no idea what I’d talk about, and I’m not funny *sighs* but I’ve been really bored lately, so I just might do it anyway.
Baby Turtle. Because. Cute.