So I know I’ve Been Sucking Lately

I haven’t been posting very much lately and when I do it’s short or jumpy or rambly or just generally doesn’t make sense. I am aware, and I apologize, It’s just that lately I’ve been feeling like shit. Not just sick, I probably have mono again, if you read this you’ll understand why I’m freaked out, because my hair is turning white again (Josh was like holy shit is that white in your hair? and was messin with it and I’m was just like “Oh fuck, no, you are so shitting with me! I swear to god babe that’s not funny!” but he wasn’t, and it was, I am an 18 year old with a patch of turning-white hair. -.-)

On top of probably mono, I am majorly depressed. As in this is the worst I’ve felt in probably a year and a half-two years-ish. I’m crying all the time, and not getting out of bed until really late, and my fuse for being in crowded places (mall or grocery store type crowded) is even shorter, I can’t be out for more than an hour without breaking down, I can’t stop thinking about bad stuff all the time so it’s this in my head all the time, minus the determined will to get better part. It’s also just I want to fucking quit. I’m done, I don’t want to be alive anymore. I’m not going to kill myself, I know that that would just be a melodramatic Fuck you to everybody I actually do care about, and if I did Josh’s life would become way more complicated with finding someone to watch smidgey for free-very cheap while he worked, But that’s seriously the only reason I’m bothering at this point. It’s never going to get better, It’s never going to stop hurting, and I still have no clue why I haven’t carved up the only part of my body that I’ve actually wanted to cut. Why do I bother hiding it? I’m never gunna get a job anyway so it doesn’t matter if potential future employers saw it because there aren’t any. I guess the only reason I still haven’t is ’cause I’m pretty sure that’s bad for the Smidges psyche Like hush little baby, go to sleep, so mommy can sit in the next room and play with razors for a while, hmmm yea can’t do that, makes me a bad mom. So I don’t. And I haven’t. But I want to. Fucking christ I want to so bad. Nope can’t do that to the Josh and the Smidge. Fuck. I want to go back to bed. But I’m pretty sure that’s not good either. I wish we could afford a shrink. I’m too scared of pills. *slams head into keyboard* God, I’m such a fucking pussy. I’m sorry for more incoherent babbling about how much I hate my totally fine, awesome, life. Firstworld problems and all that. Sorry. I’m gunna go watch youtube now, I just wanted to inform you all(none) as to why my posts have been so shitty lately.

cute-alaskan-malamute-puppy

puppy.

I’m going to see if the new sweater Josh gave me is dry, if it is, I shall wear it while I watch youtube.

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9 thoughts on “So I know I’ve Been Sucking Lately”

    1. Thanks, I appreciate it, it just sucks because nobody seems to really understand that not doing shit isn’t nearly as hard as not wanting to do shit, which is beginning to feel impossible

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Wait, what! No! I’m sure you’re not. Remember, he loves you. He’s there for you. You’re there for him subsequently, I presume. It’s all very beautiful (oh great I can sense crazy little me over here getting all gooey romantic) and oh God, he does care about you’re wellbeing 🙂 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  1. When I’m depressed I either force myself to think happy thoughts or write my sad thoughts. I have this sort of a diary I write in when I’m having negative thoughts, it helps me clear the negativity from my head, you should give it a shot! I hope you feel better soon ❤

    Pandacookieoutofthebox.wordpress.com

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Actually that’s about half of the reason I have this blog, for me writing it in a diary doesn’t really feel like I’m letting it out anywhere, but online I dunno why but it makes me feel like I’m actually saying how I feel out loud

      Like

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