Okay, I Feel A Bit Better Now.

Today I wanted to get out of the house without having to actually interact with anybody, So I did what most normal 18 year old girls do with their free time (No, actually I’m anti-starbucks.) I went to target. ^.^

And I boughted a new foundation that was recommended a lot on the internets by pale people and actually matches my skin-tone (a nearly impossible feat because I’m incredibly pale and my undertones never seem to quite match anything I’ve tried.)

I also picked up an eyelash curler because I’m pretty sure I’m the only girl on the planet over the age of 12 that wears makeup and didn’t have one. I got an eyeliner because my tube is almost out (thank you elf for making eyeliner so cheap that even I can afford it!!!)

I was going to get this really super amazing eyeshadow that I’m in love with but it was sold out.It looks like this:

Cos21l_15_pack-shot
Endless Sea. Dumbass Name, Pretty Color.

It’ll make my eyes look awesome if I can ever find it in stock when I actually have my wallet on me -.-

And some coffee beans because I’m fairly certain that I’m still physically incapable of surviving a 24 hour period without a cup of coffee.

But mostly I went to pick up a scale, because I have been actually starting to go crazy over not knowing how much I weigh. I’m serious. I thought that I was swelling up like a balloon and was starting to not eat (again), because I would rather starve myself then ever be fat again. (God, I hated being pregnant.) I thought that I had gained 10 lbs and would have to buy double digit pants soon. I was getting seriously neurotic.

As it turns out I achieved my previous goal of getting back under 120 before my vacation. I currently weigh 119.4 lbs after two helpings of dinner last night followed by a bowl of ice cream and these really yummy pasta chip things (I’m on the rag okay?!?). I also scarfed a piece of pizza for lunch and have been guzzling coffee all day. So it wasn’t one of those “I woke up two hours early to weigh myself when I’m not wearing clothes and I haven’t eaten in three days” readings. It’s what I actually weigh.

In order to stop myself from getting obsessive again, I put my shiny black new scale in the guest bathroom (the room that I go into the least often.) And it’s facing away from the mirror so I can’t do my former “staring obsessively at my fat while I verbally abuse myself over the number” thing.

I want to lose a few more pounds, but I want to do it the healthy way this time. And it’s unrealistic for me to try to weigh less then 115, just because of the way I’m built. My hips won’t let me. I’m not going to try to wonder and calculate how many pounds my hair weighs when I grow it out this time. It’s unhealthy to care that much about my weight, so while I still want to try to shed the last of my tummy pouch, I’m not going to let my weight destroy me the way it used to.

I also looked it up and found a study that shows the average weights of people in different age ranges from the 60’s to ’02.

The average weight of the american 18 year old female as of 2002 (So let’s be real, its gone up since then) is 143.5 lbs. I weigh about as much as a 14 year old girl from the late 60’s. I’m not allowed to call myself fat anymore.

But the weirdest part of all of this for me, is probably that I gave up. I had accepted the (untrue) fact that I weighed a 130 lbs and was almost okay with it. I was still happy. Which is pretty crazy for me, because I’ve had a very unstable relationship with my weight since I was 13. I went from being a normal kid, to a really fat tween, to a starving teen, to a pregnant teen. And now I’m just a healthy young adult. I ate lunch. I’m going to eat dinner. I slept through breakfast *shrugs* (it’s monday, people.) I’m going to eat small meals. But I’m going to eat more than one meal a day. And I might even try exercising instead of berating myself in front of a mirror. Maybe. (I almost died after I tried ten minutes of cardio this morning soooo, probably not.)

This is the study I read if you want to check it out. I think it’s kindof interesting, but I’m going to try to find a more current one.

So yea, I’m feeling super spiffy and proud of myself right now. Not because of my weight, but because I’m starting to accept myself for who I am, flaws and all. Damn I want that eyeshadow though…

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