No, I Didn’t Die. I Promise. Also This Post Is Very Awkward. Kind-of Explicit?

I’m not dead, I’m just one of those crotchety old people that’s all like “Holidays should be spent with the people you care about not frittering your time away on the interwebs!” So since Josh had four days off I spent time with him and the smidget, doing family things like binge-watching southpark and stuffing our faces with stuffing ^.^

Oh My Gosh. Josh’s family can freaking cook. (I love my grandma, but she should not be allowed anywhere nearrrrr a stove.) So I actually got to experience the Thanksgiving Feast, instead of trying to politely find a way not to eat the potatoes with cat hair in them. (true story) And now, after 18 long years, I understand why people gain weight on the holidays. Holy Shit. I gorged all weekend. But all my pants still fit, so the number of shits given, remains zero *shrugs*

I also went up again with my plugs. I am now a 00g. Which if you give a shit, is slightly smaller then a dime. I’m not going any bigger until I, you know, find a job, and college, and mature, responsible, grown up shit.

But what probably took up the most time this weekend was, um, I sortof… came out(?) to Josh. whaaaaat? No I’m not a lesbian. And I won’t be one of those people that waits until they’re like 40 and then leaves their husband for a chick. But I guess I’m bi-curious? If not totally bi. And it’s weird.

You’re probably all like umm didn’t you think you might want to mention this to your husband you know sometime beforeeeee you got knocked up, and married him?

Well it’s sort-of like this, Josh was the very very first person I ever thought about sexually. (not only did I marry the first guy I ever dated, I also married my first legitimate crush. Yup I’m pretty stuck on this guy.) So I didn’t really knoww until after we started going out. And even then it wasn’t like I woke up one day and decided “holy shit, I like tits!”. It was more of a gradual “oh hey, I’m not staring at that person because I’m jealous anymore, I’m staring ’cause damnn that’s a nice ass.” And then immediately after that it was “Nu-uh you have a perfectly sexy Josh, plus that’s just totally not cool, stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it.” And I’ve kind-of been trying to make my feelings go away by ignoring them? Shock of all shocks, it’s not really working.

So now cue this weekend actually trying to think through all this shit I’ve been denying and ignoring for like three years. And explaining it all to Josh (who is like always, super laid back and supportive. No idea how I lucked out with somebody so amazing.) Which is kind-of tricky. Because he wants to know everything I’ve been thinking, feeling, fantasizing, and even though I’m not trying to hide it anymore, it’s just shoving your feelings in a tiny box, in a tiny closet in your brain doesn’t leave a lot of room for actually thinking about them. So trying to form all of these opinions, and then spit them out right away, when I’m so utterly atrocious at verbal communication, It’s difficult.

But it pretty much ended up with several rather intense *adult interactions* and him bookmarking a porn-browser on my phone for when he’s out of town. He also said he’s okay with it if I want to find a girlfriend(whaaaaat??????) But I think that’s way too much right now. I think girls are beautiful, and I think it’d be fun to *be* with one. But even if he’s okay with it, it still feels too much like cheating to me right now. Maybe in the future? If I find someone that’s like, right. But I know that Josh is my soul-mate, so how could I have an emotional connection like that with someone else? I don’t think it’d work.

So for now I have my little naked lady button for when I want to be a perv. But Josh is waaaay more then capable of keeping me happy on his own. (Quite a feat actually, I’m an uber perv with a crazy high libido.)

I know, I know. You don’t care and all of this is crazy TMI. But I pretty much view this thing as a public diary, where I can work through shit and try to organize my thoughts sometimes. So I’m not even talking to you, I’m talking to myself. Which is crazy, but you’ve probably already figured out that I’m kind-of mental anyway so *shrugs*

But one thing in all of this, I’ve been a lot happier. I’m more relaxed, and less tense, and I’ve been smiling more. And it’s also kind-of funny because Josh has invented a game where he tries to make me feel awkward by shoving different pictures in my face and asking me to rate them, and what’s hot and what’s not, sort of stuff. So my Thanksgiving has been pretty weird, what did you do?

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