So I mentioned how shitty I felt in my last post? The smidge has developed a radar that detects my mommy-weakness/lack of give a damn. She decided to take advantage of this so that she might delay her bedtime. She screamed at me for three hours straight. Not fussed, not whined, not even cried. Smidget straight up screamed at the top of her lungs for three freakin hours while she sat in her crib.
(You might be thinking oh my gosh you horrible person you left your baby cry in her crib for three hours?!?!? Um yea… Clean diaper, ate dinner and had a bottle right next to her, ibuprofen for any teething pain, she was just pissed off and mad that I’m more stubborn than her. Munchkins got willpower.)
So anyway I feel bad for not posting anything interesting in a while but I feel like a bitchy evil zombie that just survived(?) a nuclear explosion of pain. My solution for a super interesting post? Another list! or two actually. One is the top five things I hate about my period (look if your a prude you shouldn’t really be reading this anyway.), and the other is how I cope/things that make me feel better. So lets start shit!
Things that suck shriveled dragon balls:
1. Being super mega crampy. Oh my gosh, I don’t know if all girls get it like this; but there are some times where I just literally can’t move. Meaning that I will curl up in a ball and whimper for several hours because it hurts too bad to do anything. And I’m not usually a total pussy either.
2. The Fuckin blood. Okay ew I know it’s gross. But that’s my point, It’s disgusting and yucky and it smells gross. (I usually enjoy the sight of blood because I’m weird and kindof have some issues I’m working on. but um no this just doesn’t do it for me.)
3.That awkward moment when the cashier is a dude and ringing up your massive pile of tampons, liners, chocolate, and midol. Just yea. Fucking hate it when that happens. I will wait for up to an hour in line to avoid this.
4. When you’re out trying to make the best of things socializing or running errands or whatever and you duck into the bathroom only to realize that your purse stash is empty and you are forced to improvise with shitty one-ply public restroom toilet paper. I can NOT be the only one this has happened to????? please, please let it not just be me?!?!?
5. When everyone around you looks at you and is just like wow you’re being a pmsy bitch. And I’m like um yea I’m also about to tear you a new asshole bitch, so shut the fuck up.
5.5. When it interferes with your love-life… *cue rant about the unfairness of life and how aweful my luck is with timing*
5 Things that stop me from going on a homicidal rampage when I’m pmsing:
1. When Josh takes me to the store and buys me about twenty dollars worth of chocolate(The good 90% cocoa kind, none of that milky white chocolate bs.) and usually a couple pints of haagen dazs gelato. Because I married the most amazing guy ever.
2. Wearing only my most comfortable clothing/panties for a week. Because you already feel like shit, no need to be even more uncomfortable.
3. When Josh is like nu-uh you sit down and I rub your shoulders. Because I said so and I know you don’t feel good.
4. Midol and peppermint hot chocolate.
5. The “I’m on my period!” card. Now I will say this, I don’t use this card often. In fact, almost never. And I generally hate it when you see girls being all “Oh its not my fault, I’m acting like a raging bitch for no goddamn reason, I’m pmsing!” and their wearing white shorts when they say it. ’cause no girl who is actually on their period would be so willing to tempt fate as to wear white shorts. Yea that bugs me. But for those times when you’re really really desperate, and you’ve been having a shit day on top of the holy shit cramps, and you have a barely warranted meltdown in a public place at someone you really don’t want to piss off, it’s good to have on hand. That’s all I’m saying.
6. I just thought of this one, It sortof ties in to number one but anyways: Binging on nothing but junk food and soda for a week straight because fuck it, you already feel bloated anyway!.
So sorry if this post was gross or indecent or offensive.(Actually I could give less of a shit because you’re obviously an uptight douchewad if you get offended by period blood.) But it’s kindof where I’m at right now. It’s a testament to my amazing-ness that the smidge has yet to be thrown out of any windows. What are the highlights/lowlights of your monthly visitor? Or if you find yourself possessing a Y chromosome and no menstrual symptoms, then what sucks most about your girlfriends/significant others monthly psychosis?