Is pretty much bullshit. You agree? Disagree? Let me rant about why I feel this way because this is my blog post and you chose to read it (or not…..) so shut up and let meh rant.
When I was little and upset or angry or bored my mom would always say “You choose how you feel, and if you choose to be happy, you will be.” And I’m calling major epic bullshit on that mum. Because I wake up every day and say to myself, okay I’m gunna think about happy stuff today. I’m not going to be depressed. I’m choosing to be happy. And guess how often that works? Just about shy of never…
I’ll start out okay and be fine for a couple hours and then something totally random will happen that ruins it. We’re out of coffee creamer, Smidge woke up two hours early and won’t stop crying, I saw a cloud that looks kindof like a razor and now all I can think about is how much I miss seeing my own blood. And then it spirals into :
“Oh my gosh why do you care so fucking much stop being a little bitch and just grow the fuck up already you shouldn’t be drinking so much goddamn coffee or sleeping in anyway you worthless piece of shit you should go exercise or do some work and stop being such a goddamn waste of oxygen and if you can’t do that much than go fucking kill yourself and spare the world from your pathetic self-pity/loathing.” (I’m not trying to be melodramatic, that’s just what my inner dialogue typically sounds like. I’m a negative little fucker aren’t I?)
And I suppose you could argue that I chose to continue that line of thought. That I made the decision to continue hating on myself. But have you ever tried ignoring your own thoughts? It’s not nearly as easy as it sounds. I try. All the time. But they just keep creeping back in when you forget, or lose focus, or aren’t actively focused on maintaining a 24/7 stream of happy thoughts instead. (which is also ridiculously hard, because I think most happy stuff is made up bs.)
Add on top of all of that the guilt you feel for thinking/feeling that way, and it’s practically impossible to “just choose to be happy”
Maybe that worked when I was bored, ’cause I usually just ran off and found something to do to entertain myself. Another episode of NCIS or running around in the woods or mutilating my barbies so it looks like they’ve been tortured and abused. (perfectly normal behavior for a 13 year old boy, but it probably should’ve been a red flag to my parents when their 10 year old daughter was hanging her favorite doll….) But it doesn’t work when your a desperately lonely 15 year old girl with no friends, no hobby, and no support system.
Hell I’m 18 now and have a Josh that I can talk to, a baby to take up those hours of time where I’d stare at walls and wonder what it felt like to die. I even just recently opened up to one of my “sortof” friends, turns out she has similar problems, and we’re closer now then we were when we shared bff necklaces. But I’m still depressed. I try to be happy I slowly breathe in my coffee, get lost in my songs, look at the leaves falling in the wind when I drive, and look at all the little things that make it bearable.
But sometimes damn it, that just doesn’t fix shit. I still feel broken from things I did to myself when I was a kid younger than my twat-brained sister is now. Scars heal faster than feelings. And I’m still fucked up. I’m trying so so hard to be happy. But it’s constantly a 2 steps forward 1 step back situation. And I choose to be happy everyday. I guess I haven’t given up hope that one day it’ll actually work.
So I’m sorry I ranted at you, oh few people that actually bothered to read this. But I feel better now that I got all of that out. I have a hard time saying shit in real life to people I know, so you got to listen to me instead. And now some of that weight that constantly lives on my chest is gone. KKTHANKSBAIIIIIII (I’m sorry I don’t do serious well……) XD