My Daughter’s Favorite (Non)Toys

One of those things that I didn’t know about babies before I had my daughter, is that babies (at least mine) hate toys. My six month old has probably over $100 worth of totally-safe, baby proof, toys in a variety of colors, textures, whatevers. So what does she like to play with? Anything but said totally-safe, baby proof toys.

She usually ends up playing with:

10. Hangers. Preferably the dirty, ancient, wire kind that I like to keep away from her. The small, plastic, pink, baby-sized ones are an acceptable substitute though.

9. Empty soda bottles that I was to lazy to get out of bed and actually throw away. I am well aware of the fact that I’m a lazy slob. Please keep your judginess to yourself.

8. Empty rice cereal boxes that I set beside the trash can until I take it out. If I actually put them in the trash can right away I’d go through twice as many trash bags (because they take up so much space) so I have a semi-legitimate reason on that one.

7. Dryer Sheets. You know the fabric softener things you through in the drier and then they get stuck to your clean clothes and live in the bottom of laundry baskets? Unless they end up stuck to the outside of your pant leg and you didn’t notice because you were in a hurry? Yes, my daughter is perpetually trying to eat them. I usually manage to intercept them before they make it to her mouth, but not always. *sighs*

6. Envelopes. Preferably the unopened, still important, kind; but any will suffice.

5. The wipes/wipe-container. Her favorite thing to do when I change her diaper is roll over and try to eat the entire box of wipes. It is extremely frustrating trying to flip her back over, without hitting her head, while pulling a wipe out of her mouth, while keeping her feet out of her own shit. I’ve recently gotten fairly talented at this.

4. Napkins. *shivers*

3. Metal utensils. Preferably sharp knives, but forks or spoons will work in a pinch.

2. Socks. Better if fuzzy, best if fuzzy and dirty, and covered in dog hair and dirt for her to try to pick off and eat. Dog hair is the bane of my existence.

1. Plastic bags. From Walmart, target, random groceries stores, as long as they have the required “this is not a toy, choking hazard, keep away from children” logo on the bottom. I swear I have to steal at least three of these away from her everyday. I don’t even know where they come from! She has some evil baby not-a-toy radar built into her little demon-mastermind brain.

Now to be fair she does play with some of her toys. Out of the hundred plus pieces of baby-crap laying around she likes two rattles, and one stuffed monkey that she picked out of a store because it was fuzzy and brown.

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