Things You Probably Don’t Know About Babies If You Are A Teenager Who Quit Babysitting Over A Year Ago #1

Why number 1? Because there will probably be a lot of these in the future, seeing as I have know fucking clue what I’m doing with this drool-covered bundle of smiles and fat-rolls.

So what I learned on Thursday: Shots make babies evil, evil assholes. If I’m being completely honest though, this was just a reminder as the smidge had her first round of shots three months ago. This was just a refresher course. Let me do a less than brief re-cap of the day:

I get up two hours earlier than usual because I need to make sure I have EVERYTHING I could possibly need to survive an outing with just me and my daughter. (I already packed her bag the night before.)

I drive the HOUR to the pediatricians. (I wasn’t being snobby when I picked my doctor, I just live in the middle of nowhere.)

I arrive right on time to sign us in after I sit shaking in the parking lot for fifteen minutes. (I got my license two days before, so this is the longest I’ve ever driven by myself.)

I realize I forgot to specify which Dr., So I’m stuck with the condescending Oh, you’re a teen mommm doctor >.< again.

I finally get into the back room and am forced to watch as my cute, happy, baby is mercilessly stabbed repeatedly by those (actually nice) evil nurse ladies, for her health.

I pick her up and hold her as she goes from screaming to sobbing to sniffling.

I get her back in her clothes and listen to the condescending doctor lady explain what being in the 75th percentile means, because the fact that I am 18 means that I am obviously incompetent. (I graduated my college statistics class with a B when I was 17 you asshole. I know what percentiles are.)

I go to Walmart to fill the thirty minutes tops prescription…… and leave two hours later, with extra strength buttrash cream.

I finally make it home.

And ALLLLL of that was just the beginning. The next three days were a blur of hellacious screaming, crying, fussy, high maintenance-ness. I’m not bragging when I say my baby is usually pretty chill. As long as you let her roll on the floor and don’t take away that dirty sock she found she will be content for hours on end. ($100+ dollars on fancy baby toys wasted but oh well) They casually mentioned on the way out of the office that she might be “a bit tired or fussy”. Um no. six hour naps followed by eight hour scream sessions do not fall in to the “a bit” category. I was not allowed to set down that six month old tyrant for three days. (which conveniently overlapped with my husband coming home for the weekend, as it allowed her to be a mini cock-blocker as well.) Saturday night she screamed from 7pm to midnight. Her crib is in our room. I seriously contemplated getting a 5th trimester abortion. *cough cough southpark reference * So now on the forth day after that wonderrrrrful little outing my tiny little mr hyde cute baby is starting to return. in between long bouts of why-the-fuck-aren’t-you-holding-me-at-an-angle-that-allows-for-better-television-viewing-monkey-slave?!?!?!? *sighs* I would write more but I’m currently being summoned to grab my baby for a marathon of our favorite anime (anime=sanity salvation)


Oh and I did all of this with a cold/sinus infection. Yes, I know, I’m a super hero.

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